Blue skies, finally

Today was the first continuously sunny day in more than a week. After being scoured by so much rain, sleet, and more rain, the sky was a brilliant, crisp blue. I decided to be a bad graduate student and skip school (and traffic). (In my defense, I've put in a lot of work this week, gone in early and stayed late, and submitted abstracts and manuscript drafts, so I decided playing hooky was okay.) On my day off, I...

...went to an Xtend Barre class at the decadently late hour of 9 a.m.

...decided to enjoy the sun by going to the park and jogging. I'm not sure where I mustered up the energy, but I managed to run four miles with negative splits, with my slowest mile being 9:28 and my fastest being 9:05. Those are good times for me, especially considering that I never felt like I was going all out.

Evidence of a gorgeous day.

...went on a coffee/hummus date with my husband at a new cafe in town:

The coffee was Panama something-or-other,

and it was amazing.

...borrowed some books from the library, including the new biography of David Foster Wallace.

...did some laundry.

...did not clean my house.

Re: that last one. It's funny how memories that once seemed insignificant - like, why have I remembered it all these years? What was the purpose in hanging onto it? - sometimes take on greater meaning. One such memory is of going to my first best friend's house to play. The place was always a complete disaster area: toys everywhere, sticky countertops, pet fur covering the couches, dust all over the floor. Even as a six-year-old, I noticed the disarray. But it was always so much fun. We let our imaginations run wild building stuff, coloring, moving toys from one room to another, going from inside to outside to inside to outside. Unlike my other friends' moms, she wasn't one to chase after us with broom, dustpan, vacuum cleaner, and annoyed tone. Instead, she was usually reading or writing or cooking or doing something for herself. She seemed to have her own life. I remember feeling really free and relaxed there, knowing that as long as we didn't fight or say/do anything inappropriate, no-one was going to yell at us.

Even with just one kid, it's hard to keep our place clean, and I try far less to do so than I used to. There are legos under pretty much every piece of furniture and Kindergarten artwork on almost every wall. Our ottoman is falling apart, and our couch has a three-inch gash in the cushion. My son's room looks - to me - like a mess, though he assures me that it is actually a house with its own kitchen, bedroom, and art center.

It's not a total pit. It's not dirty. It's just messy and lived-in. Well loved, well used. Nothing like a Pottery Barn ad. I could clean for 18 hours a day and my son could still undo it in a matter of minutes. 

Sometimes I wish it were cleaner (I'm type A: messes of any kind make me at least a little anxious) but then I remember my friends' house and I feel better. That feeling I had when I was there is the feeling I want him to have at home. Freedom to just be a kid and not worry about how an emptied toy box might affect the adult's psyche.

Resolutions for the new year, and a treadmill workout

Happy 2013! Our New Year's celebration was quiet. We got the little man down to bed at a decent time and then we watched a documentary on Netflix called Deep Water. It's about a weekend sailor who decided to compete in a first-of-its-kind round-the-world sailing competition in the late 1960s. The ending was totally not what I expected; I couldn't believe I'd never heard of this guy before now.

We made it to midnight, but barely. Apparently we were not alone. As I checked Facebook, I saw a lot of "It's only 9 p.m. but I can't stay up any longer and by the way I'm officially old"-type posts. 

Resolutions: Do you have any? Or anything you want to do/change in 2013? My only resolution at this point is to keep up the activities and habits I took up in the last part of 2012:

• Continue going to Xtend Barre classes 4 times a week (I continue to love, love, love this class... Who knew I'd grow so fond of ballet and Pilates?)
• Find my next race. 5K? Half marathon? Trail run? Not sure yet, but I'm hoping that I'll decide on something close to home, and relatively soon.
• Finish up my 30-day vegan challenge! I'm on Day 16 (I think), and so far, so good. My only slip-up was when I ordered a salad at Panera and discovered too late that it had feta cheese on it. My least favorite cheese! Argh. I hate wasting food so I ate it anyway. More on the Vegan Challenge in the next few days.
• And lose a few pounds. I guess that one's new, but I don't want to get too caught up in thinking about it. I'm using the Lose It! app on my iPhone to track my calories and workouts. More on that in the coming weeks, too.

*  *  *

I'm one of those runners who is not too keen on running in supercold weather (and by "supercold," I mean anything less than 30 degrees F - since moving to the South, I've become a winter wimp). I ran on my treadmill instead and made up my own interval workout as I went along. I was pretty happy with it. There was enough variation to keep me from getting too bored. This would be easy to modify based on your own moderate baseline pace:

Easy Does It 60 Minute Workout:

* 5 minutes walking (moderate effort)

* 5 minutes 5.5 mph, 2 minutes walking

* 5 minutes 5.6 mph, 2 minutes walking

*5 minutes 5.7 mph, 2 minutes walking

* 5 minutes 5.8 mph, 2 minutes walking

* 5 minutes 5.9 mph, 2 minutes walking

* 5 minutes 6.0 mph, 2 minutes walking

* 1.5 minutes each of 6.0 down to 5.5 mph (9 minutes total)

* 4 minutes walking

Running as a way to mitigate depression and anxiety?

I've been away - not at the loony bin (though sometimes it's certainly a distinct possibility), but at a professional conference. Actually, wait. This professional conference IS like a loony bin, except that few of the people there actually recognize they have issues and the majority of them don't see psychiatrists. Same issues, less recognition. Always interesting.

Anyway, so first I was preparing for this conference (in the form of putting together a talk, which took a ridiculous amount of time and which put a spotlight on my poor graphic design/PowerPoint skills), and then I was at the conference, and then I was drinking and eating and giving my talk and reuiniting with people I hadn't seen in a while. And drinking more. 

Very little running was involved, unfortunately. I mean, I DID run, but they were relatively short workouts on the hotel treadmill. I should have run 18 miles on Sunday and it just didn't happen. Good thing I am in taper mode, since the marathon is in only 2.5 weeks away. I'm thinking of doing 18 miles this Sunday even though I suppose Hal Higdon would not approve. But would it really pose that much of a problem? I have two weeks after that to rest.

Speaking of running...

The last conference I went to was last June, and for whatever reason, it left me reeling and depressed. I don't know whether it was the stress of traveling, dealing with huge crowds of people, being away from my family, or what, but all of a sudden I went from feeling really stable (for the previous 4-5 months) to hitting bottom again. The situation was not good. At one point I wondered whether I might need to check myself into a hospital. The trigger seemed to be this academic conference experience. Thus, I was concerned that this very recent conference - which involved just as many people, almost as much traveling, and a strong dose of stress - might send me reeling down the same path.

Thankfully, it did not. I've been trying to figure out what the difference was between now and last June.

Things that are the same: I'm still taking an antidepressant, same dose. I'm still seeing my therapist every other week or so (actually less these days). Actually, if anything, the summer conference should have been less stressful: I wasn't teaching any classes at that point. I had to present at both meetings.

So what is different? The only major difference is that I'm now training for a marathon and attending butt-kicking barre classes on a regular basis. So could the extra exercise be at the root of this newfound stability (relatively speaking)? In a way, it seems counterintuitive. Marathon training itself takes a lot of dedication and a certain amount of sacrifice. It cuts into work time, family time, and rest time. Then add to that the barre workouts - if I do them 4 times a week, that's another 6 hours where I'm not really attending to my responsibilities. And yes, on a day-to-day basis, it does feel like a lot. I do feel the strain.

On the other hand, my immersion in these activities means that:

(1) I have more energy during the day and I sleep better at night.

(2) I have less time to worry/stress, because when I'm working out I'm very focused on the task at hand.

(3) I'm forced to make transitions more quickly. For instance, even if my mind WANTS to stay in work mode all evening, when I get to barre class, it simply can't. There's not enough energy for that.

(4) I have a better social life. I'm opening up more to RF, getting to know her friends, and starting to get to know the people at Xtend Barre.

Ultimately, I keep myself so occupied that I do not leave as much room for ruminating, worrying, planning, obsessing. I think that's a big part of it. Maybe I've been underestimating the positive long-term effects of exercise on my mental state. Maybe it's kind of like the antidepressants themselves: one pill here and there won't make much long-term difference; you have to take them every day if you want them to work, and they don't work right away. If you miss a day, it won't hurt you much so long as you get back on track the following day. Perhaps the influence of exercise on the brain is similar: the long-term consistency is key.

Difficult long runs and depression: How to keep going

What I have learned through marathon training so far is that running long distances is a true mind/body experience. As in, at a certain point both your mind and body (especially the legs) are screaming at you to STOP THIS NONSENSE IT IS INSANE. Then you have to somehow find the one small part of you (the David to your Goliath) that is willing to ignore both of them and carry on in the hope that at some point it will get better.

That's the other thing I've learned: you can be feeling completely trashed at mile 16, yet by mile 18 you'll feel like you're flitting weightlessly along on puffy clouds and rainbows. It doesn't seem possible, and yet it happens sometimes - that complete, rapid shift to feeling 100 times better than you did just a few minutes prior. Of course, sometimes it doesn't happen, but with the help of gels, water, mini goals (run to the mailbox... now run to the telephone pole...), and your running buddy, you get through it anyway.

Basically it's taken me approximately two months of marathon training to learn with respect to physical endurance what it's taken 2.5 years of therapy to learn with respect to dealing with depression/mental endurance: you keep moving forward knowing that it is going to get better. You don't know when - be it a mile down the road or 24 miles down the road - but at some point it won't be so hard. You just keep going. It sucks, you keep going. You puke, you keep going. You think bitter, evil thoughts about the drivers who don't understand crosswalk signals, but you keep going.

A difficult long run and depression are obviously not the same thing. If I had to choose between horrible, painful, 20-mile daily runs and daily depression, I would choose the running. No question. And while I *might* wish those horrible running workouts on my worst enemy under the right circumstances, I wouldn't wish depression on anyone. Ever. Because depression is like being in the solitary confinement ward of hell.

But. Sometimes now when I get depressed - and it does happen, frustratingly enough, even with the antidepressants and the running and the decent diet and 6-8 hours of sleep every night and the therapy - I try to treat my mind the way I treat it when I am struggling during a run. Which is basically to ignore the protests while giving it as much meager encouragement and positivity as I can muster, and by trying to distract it.*

It's not that simple, really, or at least it doesn't feel simple when things get bad. But I think this approach - ignoring the negative, saying nice things to myself (even when I protest), clinging to the belief that it won't always be so hard - is helping. I'm not saying it makes me feel good. Honestly, it doesn't. Depression is a deep pit. It's not like you can just launch into a standing jump and hop out of it. But treating depression like a difficult yet surmountable obstacle - as opposed to an insurmountable and permanent fate over which I have absolutely no control or any way to deal with - helps get me through, which at certain points is all I can ask of myself.

“Listen to the people who love you. Believe that they are worth living for even when you don't believe it. Seek out the memories depression takes away and project them into the future. Be brave; be strong; take your pills. Exercise because it's good for you even if every step weighs a thousand pounds. Eat when food itself disgusts you. Reason with yourself when you have lost your reason.” - Andrew Solomon, The Noonday Demon

Wind, rain, hills... 20 miles

20 miles, done.

It was not an easy run for either RF or myself. We started off on an exceedingly hilly road and followed it for the first 11 miles. At mile 4 or 5, we hit a hill that seemed to go on forever, and I really struggled. I kept moving forward, but very slowly, and my mind kind of shut down. I couldn't manage to put together coherent thoughts, except a Little-Engine-That-Could type mantra: Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. This first half of the run was more beautiful, but although I did take note of the gorgeous red, yellow, and orange leaves, I didn't enjoy it much. It was a slog. Plus, my knee started to ache somewhere in there; I worried that it might not hold up.

At mile 11, we stopped to have a snack that my husband had cached for us. Amazing: a little extra water, a little Gatorade, an energy bar, some stretching, and I was like new. In fact, from there on out I felt a whooooole lot better. Not to say the second half was easy. It wasn't. But I found a groove and stayed in it for most of the rest of the way. It helped that we a) walked up a couple of the bigger remaining hills (honestly, I think I walk up hills more quickly than I run them - I go into speedwalker mode) and b) took a bathroom break. Plus, I promised myself that at mile 16 or 17 I could consume my beloved Espresso Hammer Gel. For whatever reason, it tasted absolutely divine, even though anything else would have likely made me puke.

At mile 17.5 or so I started breaking up the run into mini-goals: run to that sign, now run to that electric pole, now run to the stoplight. Mentally, it worked wonders.

During the last mile the wind picked up to 20-25 mph, and we were running directly into it. We felt like we were standing still. That part was tough.

It was good, I think, to have such a tough run and get through it anyway. That way, even if parts of the marathon are rough, we'll know we're capable of pushing through.

*  *  *

Near home, RF joked that "we shall overcome," and suddenly I was swooped back in time to elementary school when we sang that song at nearly every assembly and holiday concert. I remembered all the words and hummed it all the way back. I'd forgotten how much I love that song. And in a way, it was appropriate for our morning. :-)

*  *  *

Got home, iced my knee, ate apple crumble, ate a burrito, ate some chips, drank a lot of fluids, ate some more. Showed my son how to use Q-Tips to spread glue onto paper; ended up with a giant mess on the kitchen table. Showed my son how to make pancakes and roasted potatoes for dinner; ended up with a giant mess on the counter. ;-) I'm surprised at how much energy I had this afternoon. If anything, I had MORE energy than I usually do on days when I do not run.

I love running.

Scattered

This week has gone by ridiculously, ridiculously fast.

Workout rundown:

Sunday - 18 miler (see previous post)

Monday - Day off

Tuesday - 5 miles in the morning, Xtend Barre in evening

Wednesday - Unintentional day off

Thursday - 5 miles in the morning, Xtend Barre in evening (kicked my butt)

Planned workouts:

Friday: 3-4 miles

Saturday: 4 miles

Sunday: 20 miles (!!!) - Yup, going to go for it. My legs feel fine.

In other news, I have been incredibly flaky/forgetful lately, which I didn't quite understand until I took a mental step back to assess what I've been doing. There's just so much going on. Usually I am on the go from the moment I wake up (~5:15 a.m.) to the time I go to bed.

Examples of recent flakiness:

-Forgot psychiatry appointment. For the second time. She was not amused.
-Forgot to put away lab equipment that really needed to be put away promptly. Luckily, we were able to resuscitate it.
-Scheduled birthday party the night before my husband's 7 a.m. marathon (the one that is 2.5 hours away...)
-Forgot to submit various important emails/pieces of paperwork
-Forgot about office hours

I try hard to be conscientious and meet my obligations, but my brain appears to have reached full capacity here. What space I have, I devote to the most important stuff - family, interesting research and teaching, running. Not so much to the things that at this point seem kind of irritating and in the way. Like my meetings with my psychiatrist, who is a nice woman with meager therapy skills and who I just wish would give me my prescription without me having to come in once a month even when I feel completely fine.

Clearly I need to make more lists or something. Except then I would lose them, so really, what is the point.

I hope I feel that good on race day!

I have never run this far while feeling so okay and maintaining such a consistent pace (10:31). It was a really enjoyable 18 miler.

What helped:

• RF not letting me know how far we'd gone until mile 10 (better if I don't know)
• The cool, cloudy weather - SUCH an improvement over the 15 miler from a few weeks ago, when we were slogging through 85 degrees + high humidity + blazing sun. I just plain suck at running in high temps. 
• The leaves falling down like parade confetti
• Discovering at mile 16 that the Hammer Espresso gel is AWESOME... I'm not a huge fan of gels (too warm, too gooey, too mucus-like) but this was just the right combination of chocolate + espresso + sugar. Pleasant surprise.
• Running with RF, who always shows up with plenty of interesting stories to tell. She makes the time pass quickly, and I love our conversations.
• Stopping at a gas station halfway through to grab a Gatorade. Tasted divine.

At mile 14 or so, I found myself marveling at how absolutely fantastic I felt. I should have seen that as a warning sign: 2.5 miles later my legs were killing me and I was wondering whether I could make it another 1.5 miles. We actually sped up at the end: we just wanted to be done. Something tells me a lot of the tiredness at the end was mental.

If I feel that good on race day, I'll be thrilled.

Next Sunday we're supposed to do 12 miles (I think) and then 20 the week after. We're trying to decide whether we can get away with doing the 20 miler next week, since RF has a weekend-long commitment coming up in two weeks. 

Jetlagged

I got home almost a week ago, and my waking/sleeping schedule is still off. I keep waking up bright eyed and bushy tailed at 5 a.m. (not like me) and by 8:15 p.m., I'm falling asleep (not like me). One evening I fell asleep standing up.

This wouldn't really be a problem - because I've actually been quite productive during the day, and I have time in the morning to eat/drink/etc. prior to running - except that I haven't spent much time with my husband. Usually we put our son to bed, talk, have a glass of wine or a beer, and watch an episode or two of Breaking Bad. But I can't get through five minutes of that show right now. We're so far behind.

*  *  *  *
Tomorrow's the 18 miler. I won't lie: I'm a bit nervous. My main concern is my legs. They were cramping pretty badly by the end of the 15-mile run, and I'm not sure how to prevent that from happening again other than conscientiously drink fluids along the way.

I feel like my RF has higher expectations of us than I do. Personally, I really don't care how we get through these long runs as long as we get through them. Walking is fine. Stopping for refreshments is fine. But she seems pretty determined to run run run the whole way. Part of me is a little concerned that I'm going to disappoint her, but I also feel like we need to treat the marathon a little differently from, say, a 10K. The expectation this time around should be to finish, period.

I've made loads of improvement in my speed since starting to run with RF, so I can't complain. She's great. But she is also a faster and more natural runner than I am. She is long, lean, and gazelle-like. I am short, stockier, and built more like... well, like not a gazelle. Sometimes I worry that she will get frustrated by my inability to keep up.
*  *  *  *
At any rate. 18 miles tomorrow, and it WILL get done! And we WILL have a relatively good time.

How to create a coffee eruption

Step-by-step instructions:

1. Wake up earlier than you'd like to for a run. Make sure you're super groggy and running late.

2. Grind coffee beans. Place in filter. Turn coffee machine on.

3. Wait five minutes.

4. Realize you forgot to add water.

5. Turn coffee pot off, just to be safe.

6. Pour water into coffee maker.

7. Wait as the steam created by the pouring of cold water into hot container somehow wends its way up up through the base of the coffee filter.

8. Watch coffee grinds shoot into the air and land all over the counters, floor, and you.

9. Curse a little.

10. Clean up grinds, dust yourself off, and go for a five-mile run.

BIG DAY, Part 2: 15 miles DONE!

To quote Dora the Explorer, We did it! We did it! Yaaaaay!

This run could be broken into three chapters: Chapter 1 (miles 1-5): Misery. Chapter II (miles 6-12): Feeling Fine! Chapter III: Calf Muscles are Screaming, But I Can Ignore Them For Now (miles 13-15).

Chapter I: Misery

Yesterday afternoon was hot. I think it was actually somewhere around 80-85 degrees, but the sun was blazing, so it felt more like 95. I don't run well in the heat - unfortunate, since this is the south and temps can be consistently, uncomfortably high for up to 1/3 of the year.

Within the first block, I could tell that I was not going to have an easy time of it. Running Friend was chatting, not out of breath at all. I was entirely focused on just putting one foot in front of the other, and my mood declined with each passing mile. RF wanted to talk, share stories - but she soon realized that it was going to be a pretty one-sided conversation. I wasn't having any of it. I think I may have growled at her a couple of times, and then she backed off and we ran in silence.

Sometimes that's the best I can do. Sometimes I need to go totally into myself and block out everything and everyone around me. I know I can run the distance - but sometimes I have to go to a place of quiet, angry determination to make it happen. This is how I am in running and in life. I overcome challenges, I push through, but it's never very pretty.

The worst part of this phase was when we were running on the shoulder of a very busy road and another running buddy, who'd agreed to join us for 4-5 miles, suddenly ran up behind me with a chipper hello. Scared the crap out of me, and I just about decked him. I have quite the startle response.

Chapter II: Feeling Fine!

Once some clouds rolled in and we veered off onto more shaded roads, I started to feel better. I had some water and a Hammer Nutrition gel, and within two minutes my energy level ramped up. Suddenly I was talkative and light on my feet.

The roads were still busy, but not AS busy, and that also helped me feel calmer. By mile 10 I could feel my calf muscles starting to get grouchy, and I had a cramp around my ribcage. But those things seemed way more tolerable than the heat, which by then had dissipated significantly.

At around mile 12 we stopped at a grocery store for a quick water break. I felt tired, but by then I knew the last three miles were going to be okay.

Chapter III: Calf Muscles are Screaming, But I Can Ignore Them For Now

I was worried about my knee going into this run, but it was a non-issue. My calf muscles, on the other hand, were totally seized up by the end of the run. Thinking back, I recalled that this had been a problem when my husband and I had trained for our first marathon 10 years ago. My lungs had been fine, my energy levels had been manageable, but sore legs had been a real drag.

Nevertheless, I kept putting one foot in front of the other, and soon we we'd reached our goal.

RF let me hang out at her place for an hour or so to ice my knees, guzzle another bottle of water, and take an Advil. That post-race care seems to have worked, because when I woke up this morning, my legs felt fine. A little sore, but way less than I'd expected.

Oddly, the thing that's bothering me more are my shoulders. My right one is particularly sore. Maybe my posture was poor by the end of the run.

Now I'm drinking coffee and a peach/banana/blueberry/kale smoothie and trying to make myself get started on a work project.

Any tips on dealing with leg cramps during long runs?

BIG DAY, part 1: Prepping for 15 miles

Today's the day Running Friend (RF) and I run 15 miles in prep for the Space Coast Marathon. I'm excited, but also pretty nervous. I have a tendency to be quite slow and creaky for the first two or three or four miles. If I don't start out well, my positive mentality fades and then I have to fight the entire way. Maybe this will be one of those rare runs where I feel like I am treading on air... Here's hoping!

Also, if I'm being totally honest with myself, my knee is a bit wonky. But I can't tell if that's from running too much or sitting too much. Oftentimes, the latter makes my leg really achy. I'm going to ice it for a bit this morning, in case it's a little inflamed.

While we're running, another friend will be watching my son. I hope he does okay today... After his nap yesterday afternoon, he was a whole lot less cranky, way more cuddly, AND he slept like a rock last night. So I'm hopeful that Saturday's stressful drama was just a blip.

Five happy things, with asterisks

Five happy things today:

1. My running girls and I had a great six-miler this morning. We started early, headed across town through intense humidity*, conquered at least three steep hills, and wrapped up feeling like we could have gone at least six more miles. Running highs are the exception to the rule for me, so I definitely appreciated this one. I especially appreciated sharing the experience with my friends.

*At least it was relatively cool. Autumn is on the way, and although I am not ready to say goodbye to summer, autumn provides much better running conditions.

2. I have therapy tomorrow, and I am so looking forward to it. It's been two weeks since I last went and I feel like I really need a chance to vent/let loose to someone who will listen in a nonjudgmental way*. I have been seeing this therapist on and off for more than two years. My meetings with him have become an important aspect of my life, even when (especially when?) I'm not in crisis mode. We have a special rapport that I value.

*Because who else is going to let me blather on about myself for the better part of an hour?

3. Peanut butter Larabars topped with melted dark chocolate for dessert*. I don't like most Larabars on their own, but with the chocolate on top, it's like a gluten-free, vegan peanut butter cup.

*I love dessert.

4. I'm looking forward to reading with my son tonight*. We're in the process of establishing a family reading hour before his bedtime. Last night we read for 20 minutes. We'll up that length gradually.

*I love Trashy Town and Cat in the Hat. I can't stand Wacky Wednesday.

5. My husband made dinner. It involved lots of potatoes and it was delicious*.

*I eat like a linebacker. 

Prepping for an early morning run

I am useless pretty much anytime before 9 a.m., but I'm at my worst when I have to leave early for running group. I do things like fall asleep on the toilet (yup) and pour orange juice into the cereal. And even when I do manage to get all geared up and out the door on time, I tend to forget things - like a change of underwear, for instance, or my lunch. (After running group, I go straight to work.)

Thus, any early morning run requires some preparation the night before so as to minimize damage/lateness/absence of essential articles of clothing:

• Make sure there's gas in the car.

• Grind coffee so that all I have to do is dump it into the machine, add water, and press start (though sometimes I simply press the off button without realizing it and walk away).

• Set pill bottles right next to the coffee maker so I don't forget to take my prescription before I leave.

• Place wallet, keys, and phone next to my bag. Otherwise, I won't be able to find them. Even if I place them *in* my bag, I will not be able to find them. They must be in my line of sight between the kitchen and the front door.

• Prepare lunch. Place all food in appropriate containers. Place containers in clear view in the fridge and on the counter. Place utensils next to food.

• Fill water filter pitcher.

• Lay out running clothes.

• Lay out towel, toiletries, change of clothes next to running gear. Include EVERYTHING I need. In the morning, I won't be functioning well enough to hunt for my stuff. I hate this part because I hate packing of any kind, however minimal.

• Check to make sure there is toilet paper in the bathroom.

Plan for tomorrow is to run ~4 miles, but I'm hoping to push for a few more. I think we can handle it - especially now that the weather's a bit cooler.

Group run! and pakora

My running group reconvened this morning for our first workout in at least six weeks. It was so good to be out there with my speedy girls again. With them, I can forget (or at least shove aside) any feelings of tiredness and laziness. They also make it easier to run in lovely 99.99% humidity, which was certainly the case today. They push me - maybe not intentionally, but they do. I want to keep up with them, and as a result, I've become a faster and more efficient runner.

*  *  *

The other night I decided to try making the vegan, gluten-free veggie pakora that my friend in Washington introduced me to. Granted, she didn't actually give me a recipe, so I improvised based on memory and a very limited knowledge of Indian cuisine.

First I cut up cauliflower, carrots, sweet potato, red potatoes, zucchini, and onion.

In a separate bowl, I mashed up a can of chickpeas; added cumin, coriander, turmeric, salt, pepper, a little dill, and a tbsp or so of hot sauce; dumped in some garbanzo bean-based GF flour (I had Bob's Red Mill on hand, but I think pretty much any fine flour would work); and added water until the mixture had the consistency of gloopy mud. 

Remember making mudpies? The mixture should feel/look sort of like that. Maybe a tad bit more watery. But it should definitely be a thick-ish batter, because otherwise your fried veggies will look sad and naked (I know because I ruined the first batch with a watery batter).

I poured canola oil into a small saucepan so that it was ~2 inches deep and heated it on medium-high. When the oil was hot, I carefully plopped the batter-covered veggies into the pan and let them sizzle away for ~5-10 minutes, until each piece was goldeny-brown.

Using a slatted spoon, I placed each piece onto a brown paper bag to soak up excess oil. That part isn't pretty.

(I'm not a food photographer, in case you couldn't tell.)

I served the pakora over brown rice to give the faint illusion of healthiness:

The cauliflower, potatoes, and carrots worked really well in this recipe. The zucchini - not so much. Next time, I think I'll add eggplant to the mix.

Friday Five

1. There was a big accident on the highway this afternoon (I don't think anyone was seriously hurt, but the cars were in a really bad location near the median). I sat in traffic for about an hour, ate the cashews that my husband had purchased for this type of situation (so that I'm not hangry when I finally get home), listened to music, and tried to convince myself that my commute counts as "me time."

2. Family night: We went out to dinner at Whole Foods. There are few, if any, eateries near my home that gladly accommodate gluten free, vegan diets. But Whole Foods does. My husband filled up at the buffet, my son selected grapes, cheese, and a mini cupcake, and I had some sort of rice/bean patty concoction (which was okay - not fantastic, but healthy at any rate).

While there, I discovered that Whole Foods has a wine bar. In the store! Who knew? And unlike most other places around here on Friday evenings, there were seats available. I'm taking note of this: it's going to be a part of our next date night.

3. I spent a really really long time picking out a dessert for myself and finally selected Udi's gluten-free Snickerdoodle cookies. Got home, ripped open the package... and realized that they contain butter and eggs. Aaaargh. So I settled for one of these instead:

They're a little crunchier than most bars, but I like that - I really can't stand anything that even remotely resembles the texture of a Power Bar. I need some snap, some resistance. My favorite bars are Zing Bars. I haven't been able to find them around here.

4. I'm still loving the Xtend Barre class, and it is still kicking my butt. I love that. It's really, really hard - to the point where my legs shake and I'm on the verge of collapsing (but in a good way). The classes are normally pretty expensive ($20 each!) but I paid for 16 of them on the cheap through Groupon and Living Social deals. I've already used 6 of the classes. My flexibility and balance have moderately improved, and I think my core muscles are getting stronger. I'm thinking about signing up for unlimited classes once my coupon runs out, but that requires a 6-month contract, $150 per month. Yeesh. For us, that's steep. Maybe I'll see if the owner would be willing to cut me some sort of additional deal...

5. Running plans for the weekend: 4-5 miles tomorrow, 3-4 miles Sunday. On Tuesday, my running group is finally re-convening after several weeks off. I'm looking forward to that. These girls push me in a way that I do not push myself. I've missed running with them.

Plié, run, dinner, dessert

Yesterday: 1 hour barre class, four mile run

Today: 1 hour barre class (I think she was trying to kill us - which I LOVED), three mile run at park followed by chasing after my scooter-riding son.

Working out this much makes me really tired, but in a good way. I had just enough energy this weekend to focus on family, eating, sleeping, writing, and watching television, which means that my brain didn't have enough juice to chase its own tail.

Dinner tonight: Hodge-podge of roasted veg (zucchini, tomatoes, sweet potato, regular potatoes, portobello mushrooms, and garlic) + kale (Trader Joe's frozen) + chickpeas marinated in lemon juice, lemon zest, salt, and pepper

Sidenote: This? From Trader Joe's? Is great. Just pop out a few cubes of garlic, add them to the pan with a little oil, voila. No need to chop garlic if you're short on time.

Planned dessert: Frozen grapes and blueberries. Like candy, but with more phytochemicals.

Confession: My husband, completely against my wishes of course, purchased more chocolate crack cereal. So there is a slight possibility that I may somehow try to work it into dessert. And breakfast tomorrow. And my mid-morning snack...

Planned evening activities: Eating said dessert, drinking a glass of wine, and indulging in an episode of Breaking Bad, which is quickly becoming an obsession for me and my husband.

Tomorrow: I need to be on the road by 6:45 a.m. I have little to complain about in my life other than this commute.

I truly hope this week is a good one for you.

Xtend Barre: I'm not going to be able to move tomorrow

This evening I went to my first fitness class in... I don't know. Five years? Six? More? Fitness classes aren't usually my thing.

I've realized for a while now, however, that a) when it comes to running, my body has a lot of muscle memory, meaning that even when I do longer or faster runs, I don't get as much out of it (physically, I mean) as I used to and b) I need to do something that will improve my strength, flexibility, and muscle tone.

You know those runners with the 12-pack abs and sculptured arms?

That is not me. I look like someone who runs a few miles and then sneaks off to the donut shop to refuel with a box of Munchkins (I don't, but if they were gluten free, it would be tempting).

So anyway, Groupon recently had a deal for this combo ballet/pilates/torture workout called Xtend Barre. It sounds very pretty and when you look at the Xtend Barre website, it also looks very pretty. I pictured myself pointing my toes, doing some plies, and maybe jete-ing across the studio (very unrealistic; see post from a few days ago), my muscles gently rippling beneath my skin.

Reality check: This workout was hard. About halfway through, I was sweating buckets and my legs were shaking so badly that I thought I might collapse into a soggy heap next to the barre and then puke on the floor. This particular fitness class would be excellent preparation for boot camp.

At the same time, I really enjoyed it and could immediately tell that I'd gotten something out of it. I haven't worked my muscles this way in ages.

I have five more discounted classes thanks to my Groupon code, and I'm looking forward to them... sort of. I'll schedule my next session just as soon as I can walk again.

Weekend in pictures and a documentary recommendation

This was a great, lazy, relaxed weekend. Again, I'm so glad to be home. I'm so glad that I didn't have anything scheduled. And I'm very, very, VERY glad the weather was so beautiful, because it meant I got to spend a lot of time sitting out on my patio without melting.

This weekend I...

Went running: outside on Saturday and on the treadmill today (26 minute higher-intensity workout consisting of 3 minutes of walking, 20 minutes of >5K pace, 3 more minutes of walking)

Ate a lot. My son and I made cookies, as planned:

On Saturday I made a delicious dinner salad with romaine and spinach, mandarin oranges, cucumber, almonds, plums, cherries, tomatoes, carrots, and avocado:

I dug through 3/4 of this evil gluten-free cereal that my husband purchased for me. It's like crack. I can never allow him to purchase it ever, ever again.

Played with my son. We spent some time with Play-doh...

...then decided to ramp up the excitement by going outside with a bunch of different foods to see what ants prefer to eat. According to our very scientific study, they love chocolate chip cookies and American cheese, but aren't all that fond of carrots:

(All those little dark specks on the cookie are ants.)

 We also found this guy while we were experimenting:

Drank wine. Outside. 

Watched two documentaries (I love documentaries): Home and Triage. "Home" was interesting but left me feeling incredibly frustrated/maybe a little outraged at the woman who "starred" in it. "Triage" was painful to watch but important in sending out a reminder that we're all united by the human condition. I highly highly highly recommend it.

"It’s not about creating the perfect future. it is about responding to another human being who is suffering in a very particular way, and responding to them in a very particular way. With the expectation that that is the starting point of what we are as human beings.” - James Orbinski, Triage

Easy, daydreamy Saturday four-miler

The weather is gorgeous today: high in the low 80s, sunny, low humidity. So I went to my favorite local park and ran the one-mile loop four times:

It's a lovely park, with lots of open green space, lots of trees, and great play areas for children. Sometimes when I'm there, I pretend I'm at a park in Paris. This doesn't make a lot of sense considering that I have never actually been to Paris and have no idea what its parks are like. But still. I imagine that everyone is speaking French and that they are out for a stroll before going to the market to buy bread and cheese. Bonjour, Monsieur et Madame! (That could be wrong. I don't speak French.)

Shady. Cool. Wonderful. Such a relief after this relentless heat. The breeze on my skin felt so good. I could have stayed all day (not running the whole time, of course, but I'd have been happy there with a picnic lunch and a tasty beverage).

My right foot turns out naturally - see above. I walk and run like a duck. Sometimes I imagine that I could have been a ballet dancer: first position would have been so easy for me. Again, like the French park thing, this makes little sense. I have no dancing ability whatsoever, I'm too short and stocky to be a ballet dancer, and my cellulite would be tough to disguise in a leotard. But I pretend anyway.

The best-laid plans...

Treadmill workout - 1 hour of intervals at 2% incline:

• 5 minutes of walking
• 6 x walking/running intervals: 2 minutes walking, 2 minutes running at ~10K pace; increase speed by .1 each time (total of 24 minutes)
• 6 x walking/running intervals: 2 minutes walking, 3 minutes running at ~10K pace; increase speed by .1 each time (total of 30 minutes)
• ~2 minutes walking to cool down

I like intervals on the treadmill because they break up the monotony a bit. Today's workout was challenging - I felt tired and blah, but I was glad I did it anyway.

On a different note, I'm feeling frustrated tonight - at myself and at others. I try to establish limits in terms of letting people know what I can and can't do. I try to set myself up for success in terms of scheduling so that I won't get stressed out. In the past, I haven't been too good about that. I overwork and overbook myself, and the outcome is never good. At least three times this year so far, overdoing it has brought me to a miserable and scary place.

I'm working hard to get better at handling stress, but it is a long road to improvement. Stress is my kryptonite.

I made a huge effort to limit my obligations this fall so that I could focus on just two or three key tasks and keep stress at bay. Today I found out that, through absolutely no choice of my own and due to poor planning on the part of others, I'm getting a lot more on my plate. It's very last minute. Had I known this was going to happen, I would have arranged the fall semester in a much different way. I expressed my concern about it and was basically told that I'm just going to have to deal with it.

I'm worried and kind of scared about what this will mean re: stress. I'm mad because the person who's responsible for overturning my plans knows about all of the mental health stuff but doesn't seem to believe me. He sees me show up every day, get my work done, and do it well, and he assumes that surely everything is fine. He has absolutely no idea. Sometimes I am at my most productive when I am at my lowest: it's like I split into 2+ people, and each person does their own task, and well. It's one of the things I tend to do when my brain goes into red alert mode. It works, but it's exhausting, and it means I'm not in a good place.

I don't want to make excuses. I don't want to shirk my responsibilities. But I want to have some room to set what I feel are necessary limits/boundaries without someone coming in and totally destroying them.