Update: Low, tired, vegan-on-the-road, diet. Pause.

1. Low. In the past week, a couple of situations with my advisor have left me feeling crushed, frustrated, and stupid. Based on what I've heard from other people about the final years of a Ph.D. program, this is par for the course. But it sucks.

I love what I do so much, and yet it feels like such an uphill battle because subtle sexism is rampant. Moreover, many of these men don't even know they're doing it, so it's tough for them to recognize the problem, much less change their communication tactics.

I don't want to be treated like a little girl. I don't want condescending lectures about stuff I already know and know well. I am GOOD at what I do - in the field, in the lab, AND in the classroom. I have something to offer! All I want is to be able to contribute to my scientific community and share my passion for science with my student collaborators. I don't want to live in fear that I won't be able to do what I love simply because I don't speak in the same "language" as many of my counterparts. As stated in a Scientific American article published late last year:

"Scientific inquiry is surely at stake, said Mary Anne Holmes, a mineralogist at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln and former president of the Association for Women Geoscientists. "Women may have a different way of asking questions about the science and communicating the consequences," Holmes said.

Studies have shown that groups make better choices when group members have diverse experiences and points of view, Holmes noted. It's not that women look at the data and see some big feminine question that's not being asked or that men don't ask good questions, she added. Men "just don't ask all the questions."

And it's funny how, when I start talking about this stuff around my male colleagues, I see a lot of eye rolling. Their perspective on this is different, and I end up feeling like a whiner.

2. Tired. I slept all day. This last work trip was an exhausting one: we were pulling long shifts, some of which went through the night. I felt fine while I was there, but as soon as I took my seat on the flight home yesterday, I felt like I'd been hit with a brick. I still do.

3. I'm going to write a post about my attempts at vegan living on the road. The upshot of it is that although I could have done it, I broke down when I discovered a well-stocked candy drawer during my midnight lab sessions. Fun-size Milky Ways taste so. damn. good. when you're exhausted and bored. And once the sugar hit my system, it was allllll over. I singlehandedly decimated that candy supply.

4. Diet. I tracked my calories until right around the time I started inhaling chocolate. Then I decided to "take a break." I'm confident I can get back on track now that I'm home.

5. Press pause. Can I do that right now? Press pause on life and take a time out? Preferably on a sunny beach with an alcoholic beverage? I'd like to.

What I learned during one month of veganism

At this point, I have completed one month of vegan eating (with the exception of the time I accidentally ordered a salad topped with cheese, and the time I mindlessly munched through half a bag of popcorn before remembering it had butter on it). It's been a worthwhile experience and a way of eating/living that I would like to continue, in large part because it feels like a contribution that I, as one person, can make towards sustainability.

Ten things I learned during my 30 day vegan challenge:

1) It's easier then ever to adopt a vegan lifestyle. Twelve years ago I became a vegetarian, and people thought I was crazy - even though I still consumed dairy products and eggs. They looked at my baked tofu as though they'd never seen such an oddity. Soy milk was only just starting to be offered as a milk substitute at coffee shops and restaurants. But now, vegetarianism is pretty mainstream, and it seems as though veganism is following suit. With the huge array of grains, nuts, legumes, fruits, and veggies offered by even the cheaper grocery stores, crafting a healthy and varied diet is pretty straightforward.

2) You might need to try a range of milk alternatives before you find one you like. I love almond milk, but other people think it's too thick. Rice milk is thinner but sweet. Soy milk is ubiquitous but - for my taste - a little grainy. Coconut milk is still a new one for me, and I've had it only a couple of times. The point is - there are options, and they're widely available.

Same goes for ice cream made with said milk alternatives!

3) Dark chocolate: vegan! Coffee: vegan! Red wine: vegan! One reason this challenge was doable was that I didn't have to give up all of my vices.

4) Flaxseed makes a great egg substitute. 1 egg = 1 tbsp ground flaxseed + 3 tbsp water. And flaxseed contains much-lauded omega fatty acids.

5) Things that taste amazing when you're craving something rich and umami, but cheese isn't an option: avocados (especially with a little lime juice and salt). Hummus. Stir fry made with sesame oil, nuts, and tempeh.

6) Rice and dry beans are relatively inexpensive. For a grad student, this is a big win. Quinoa is a little more expensive, but now that more stores sell it, prices seem to have dropped.

7) Fresh fruits and veggies are really good at standing on their own or with only a few additional ingredients. That means cooking vegan is easy. For instance: Brussels sprouts, beets, or carrots lightly coated in olive oil and salt and pepper, then roasted. Tomatoes, cucumbers, and avocado chopped up and mixed with a little olive oil, salt, and dill. Baked sweet potato topped with roasted garlic and steamed greens.

8) Vitamin-fortified cereals are a good way to top off daily recommended amounts of vitamins and minerals (especially iron and vitamin B-12).

9) Chia seeds may be a wonder food, but my Magic Bullet doesn't do a very good job of incorporating them into smoothies.

10) With a little planning and preparation, it's possible to be vegan and gluten-free without feeling deprived. If anything, these dietary changes have made me a more adventurous eater and a more confident cook.

So tired

It's only Monday, but I feel like I'm ready for another weekend. I'm exhausted. After getting stuck in traffic at 4 p.m. and inching home through a wintry mix of sleet, snow, and rain, I saw my bed and crashed. Napped for an hour. Now I'm dazed and totally unrefreshed.

Next time we move, I am living within walking distance of my workplace. End of story. I'm over commuting.

Things have been stressful at school. There's a lot going on in our labs, and people seem a bit on edge. I've been thinking more about my job search, which will start later this year oh.my.god. It's totally overwhelming. Grad school is going by so incredibly quickly and soon I'll be out there, outside of the little think tank cocoon I've been in for the past three years. Sometimes I feel like I don't really know what I'm doing. I suppose that's normal... Fake it 'til you make it and all.

I'm a little worried that I'm slightly anemic, despite my efforts to eat leafy greens and fortified cereals.

I'm a little worried that the dreary weather is getting to me.

I'm a little worried that I'm biting off more than I can chew.

And I really wish I could go back to the beach right now.

What the heck does a gluten-free vegan eat?

I'm on Day 19 of the PETA 30 Day Vegan Challenge... and so far, it hasn't been nearly as challenging as I'd expected it would be. The rundown on what I gave up:

Meat, including fish: This wasn't very difficult for me. I've never been all that hooked on meat, thanks to the section in my 5th grade science textbook on the hazards of food-borne illnesses (my mom wasn't too pleased when I came home and started questioning her cooking techniques...) On the rare occasion when I crave meat, it's always for a big, juicy steak, which is something I wouldn't want to consume on a regular basis anyway.

Milk: I've been drinking milk alternatives, especially almond milk, for a while now. Almond milk tastes rich and creamy (like milk) but not too sweet (unlike ricemilk), and it doesn't have soy's distinctive texture. No problems here, either.

Yogurt: I mostly miss the convenience of yogurt. It's a great way to get a substantial dose of protein, calcium, and energy in one little bowl. Soy yogurt is readily available, but again, I'm not a fan of the texture. Coconut yogurt is decent, though.

Eggs: Eggs on their own, I can take or leave. It's harder to avoid them in baked products or things like waffles and pancakes, but I just read labels a little more carefully.

Cheese: I thought I'd be craving cheese! I've never met a cheese I didn't like, even the stinky, goopy, blue ones. But I'm not hankering for it. Not yet, anyway. I'm most surprised by this particular aspect of my vegan foray.

Here are some of the things I've been enjoying during this challenge:

Fruits and vegetables, of course!

Almond milk. Oatmeal. Sometimes together.

Carb- and protein-rich basics

 A probiotic drink, since I'm not eating regular yogurt anymore

Earth Balance spread (a little goes a long way, and it's so good) and corn tortillas

I feel good and am thinking about extending the challenge another two weeks once this month is up. Am I ready to commit to a total vegan lifestyle? I don't know yet. I have another work trip (with non-veg coworkers) coming up this month, and although I will have access to a refrigerator and microwave, the kitchen situation is a little sparse. So I'm going to try the vegan thing in that situation and see how it goes. If it's too stressful, though, I'll reevaluate. I travel a lot, and as prepared as I try to be in terms of having snacks on hand and planning where to shop, it's not always easy to find food that meets the gluten free/vegan requirement. Nor do my traveling companions always have patience for what some of them see as pickiness.

Aside from that, though, I am 100 percent behind veganism in that it supports sustainability, a healthy environment, and animal welfare. And those reasons, too, have been part of the motivation making this challenge pretty straightforward.

Resolutions for the new year, and a treadmill workout

Happy 2013! Our New Year's celebration was quiet. We got the little man down to bed at a decent time and then we watched a documentary on Netflix called Deep Water. It's about a weekend sailor who decided to compete in a first-of-its-kind round-the-world sailing competition in the late 1960s. The ending was totally not what I expected; I couldn't believe I'd never heard of this guy before now.

We made it to midnight, but barely. Apparently we were not alone. As I checked Facebook, I saw a lot of "It's only 9 p.m. but I can't stay up any longer and by the way I'm officially old"-type posts. 

Resolutions: Do you have any? Or anything you want to do/change in 2013? My only resolution at this point is to keep up the activities and habits I took up in the last part of 2012:

• Continue going to Xtend Barre classes 4 times a week (I continue to love, love, love this class... Who knew I'd grow so fond of ballet and Pilates?)
• Find my next race. 5K? Half marathon? Trail run? Not sure yet, but I'm hoping that I'll decide on something close to home, and relatively soon.
• Finish up my 30-day vegan challenge! I'm on Day 16 (I think), and so far, so good. My only slip-up was when I ordered a salad at Panera and discovered too late that it had feta cheese on it. My least favorite cheese! Argh. I hate wasting food so I ate it anyway. More on the Vegan Challenge in the next few days.
• And lose a few pounds. I guess that one's new, but I don't want to get too caught up in thinking about it. I'm using the Lose It! app on my iPhone to track my calories and workouts. More on that in the coming weeks, too.

*  *  *

I'm one of those runners who is not too keen on running in supercold weather (and by "supercold," I mean anything less than 30 degrees F - since moving to the South, I've become a winter wimp). I ran on my treadmill instead and made up my own interval workout as I went along. I was pretty happy with it. There was enough variation to keep me from getting too bored. This would be easy to modify based on your own moderate baseline pace:

Easy Does It 60 Minute Workout:

* 5 minutes walking (moderate effort)

* 5 minutes 5.5 mph, 2 minutes walking

* 5 minutes 5.6 mph, 2 minutes walking

*5 minutes 5.7 mph, 2 minutes walking

* 5 minutes 5.8 mph, 2 minutes walking

* 5 minutes 5.9 mph, 2 minutes walking

* 5 minutes 6.0 mph, 2 minutes walking

* 1.5 minutes each of 6.0 down to 5.5 mph (9 minutes total)

* 4 minutes walking

Marginally-Homemade Vegan Chocolate Nibbles

I have an issue with vegan energy bars, and it's that most of them (with the exception of Zing bars, which are my absolute favorite but which are expensive and not readily available around here) are date-based. Dates are tasty, but they're also texturally dense and very sweet. When you add to that things like dried cherries, walnuts, and agave, they turn into brick-like sugarbombs.

If I had to pick a favorite - Zing not included - it would be the Pure Bar:

The chocolate one especially. It doesn't really taste like a brownie to me, contrary to what the package says, but the cocoa cuts the sweetness a bit. The cherry cashew is... okay. When I'm desperate for a quick snack in the middle of the day, I'll eat one if it's the only carb-y thing around. 

But still... These things have heft, and once I eat one, I can feel the heft in my stomach. See? Dense, dense, dense:

However, they make a fantastic base for quick and easy chocolate nibbles. All you need is a bar and some dark chocolate. I use Trader Joe's: it melts well, and it's inexpensive:

Cut the bars up into little bite-size pieces...

...and then melt a few of the chocolate bars in the microwave. Heat on medium-high for 2-3 minutes, stirring once every minute.

Then just drizzle the chocolate over the bites. My five-year-old son did this part - his method was to dot each bite with a glob of chocolate. My method is to cover the whole thing (chocolate everywhere!), but I like how his chocolate dribbled over the sides. He did, too: he now fancies himself quite the pastry chef.

So easy, a Kindergartner can do it! (He loves stuff like this.)

I'll keep them in the refrigerator and have them as dessert for the next few days. Two or three bites are enough to make me feel satisfied and chocolate-happy.

This "recipe" makes Sandra Lee's creations look like food worthy of the French Laundry.

A Very Vegan Christmas

Merry Christmas and/or happy holidays, depending on what you celebrate. Regardless, I hope you get to spend this time of year with people you love.

My parents are in town to help celebrate, and yesterday I made a whole vegan spread for dinner. (Today is Day 8 of my 30 Day Vegan Challenge.)

1. Acorn squash with salt, pepper, and brown sugar:

This was super easy. The hardest part was simply cutting the squash in half. Had anyone been watching me try to slice through this thing with a butcher knife, I would have probably given them a heart attack. Thankfully it all worked out.

2. Steamed mustard, turnip, and collard greens with sweet onions, grape tomatoes, and yellow squash:

I didn't use a recipe for this one. I just made it up as I went along. I heated up the onions, then the tomatoes and the squash; this lent some sweetness to the pan. Then I added the greens and steamed it all on low for about 10 minutes or so. It takes a while for these types of leaves to soften up.

3. Roasted beets, carrots, and brussels sprouts:

Another easy one. I coated the brussels sprouts and carrots with a couple tablespoons of olive oil and then sprinkled in salt and pepper. I did the same to the beets, but separately to minimize getting beet juice everywhere (still happened during the cooking process, though). Then I roasted the mixture at 400F for ~30 minutes.

4. Smashed potatoes:

I peeled the potatoes and cooked them in the microwave until they were soft. Then I squished them up using a potato masher and added Earth Balance spread (not too much, since it tends to be a bit oily) and almond milk (probably between 1 and 1 1/2 cups in total).

Also, I purchased a crusty loaf of bread for everyone else's enjoyment. I heated it up, sliced it, and slathered a piece of it with butter for my son. Kid looked like he was in gluten heaven.

Verdict: I thought it was fantastic; the best thing was feeling full and satisfied, but not stuffed. My mom said she loved it. My husband seemed to enjoy it, especially the potatoes. My dad... Not so much. This was not his idea of a traditional Christmas dinner. Or traditional Christmas anything, given that we do not go to church or attend a Christmas Eve service. I have to be really careful not to let myself fall into the "I never do anything right" thing with them.

But whatever. You come to my house, you get to eat my hippie granola food and do the holidays our way. In the end, I hope they realize that we do have common ground - not in food, not in spiritual beliefs or practices, not in income, but in family and in doing our best for the kids in our family.

Anyway, have a wonderful day! I hope you get to eat, and rest, and share, and get all of the things you need and at least a few of the things you want.

Saturday Six; Vegan Days 3-5

1. My family came into town today. One thing that I've noticed since being in therapy, taking antidepressants, and learning how to set boundaries is that I can now handle having my relatives in my home for extended periods of time (and by "extended," I mean six hours or so, tops). This has not always been the case. Used to be that having them here for even half an hour sent me into a tailspin of anxiety, depression, and dissociation. The most important thing for me is not letting them infiltrate my own space: whereas we used to have them stay in our house, we now ask them to stay in a hotel. Although somewhat inconvenient, it works out so much better for everyone.

Confession: as healthy as that all sounds, I was kind of a mess yesterday. When it comes to my family, panic attacks are my autopilot measure.

2. Another confession: while they are in town, we have plenty of libation on hand. Alcohol does serve its purpose at the holidays. I did not learn this in therapy. 

This is one of my favorite inexpensive wines - mostly because it tastes good, but I also do love the label. :-)

3. One of my students from this past semester sent me a hand-written thank you card. My grades have been in for two weeks and she's already received her updated transcript, so it's not like she was doing this to win favors. I have to give her props. Maybe one day I'll make writing personalized thank-you messages a goal; as it is, I'm happy if we manage to get the water bill in the mail.

4. Paper snowflakes: I love them.

5. Today was Day 5 of the 30 Day Vegan Challenge. So far, so good! 

Breakfast: GF granola cereal with almond milk

Snack: Almond milk (!) latte at the new cafe in town... This is the first time I've been to a local place that offers almond milk

Lunch: GF pasta (Trader Joe's brand, which is pretty good) and sauce with an apple on the side

Snack: Orange and a Larabar

Dinner: Sauerkraut with potatoes, green beans, and mushrooms. Sauerkraut: smells stinky, tastes delish, yay for fermented food.

I'm reminded that this whole vegan thing isn't an issue for me as long as I have access to the food I like/need and a way to cook it. I'm not craving meat or dairy so far. In the long run, I think cheese will be the toughest thing: I do love a good stinky cheese.

6. To offset the calorie count: mat Pilates last night (first time doing a bona-fide Pilates class) and an Xtend Barre class today. After two weeks of being away, I'm sore.

Home Again; Vegan Challenge, Days 1 and 2

I'm home, I'm home! I'm so happy to be home. This trip to California felt really long, even though it was similar in length to other trips I've taken. While I did appreciate the opportunity to gather some much-needed data for my dissertation research, and while I definitely appreciated the opportunity to hang out in such a lovely place, it seemed like I was gone for a month, not 12 days.

Overall, it was a good trip. I never felt overly lonely, and I was able to go out, run, and enjoy the fresh air quite often. I also indulged in activities that are more difficult when I'm home with an active five-year-old - namely, eating dinner in bed while watching Sister Wives and Catfish uninterrupted. There's something to be said for that.

But I missed my little man, and my husband, and now that I'm back, our holiday can actually start. 

*  *  *

I'm on Day 3 of the 30 Day Vegan Challenge. So far, so good. Days 1 and 2 involved some creative meal planning using food from the motel's free breakfast (coffee, juice, cereal, granola bars), quick-cook meals from Trader Joe's, and a pomelo that took me approximately 24 minutes to peel (I was feeling ambitious and adventurous with that one; in the end, it tasted okay).

Something I've learned so far: I do not like soy yogurt. At all. Too gluey, and it tastes like... pasty beans. Not my thing. But this heat-and-serve rice noodle soup with edamame crackers was easy and yummy.

The highlight of Day 2 was a stop at the Mariposa Baking Company in San Francisco's Ferry Building. MBC makes entirely gluten-free breads and goodies. It was on the way to the airport, so I got off the BART at Embarcadero, indulged, and then headed to SFO with a full, happy belly.

Drool, drool, drool:

Everything was gluten free, of course, but a lot of it was also vegan. For lunch, I ordered the vegan empanadas with a side salad (complete with GF croutons):

PERFECTION. The curry filling consisted of potatoes, tomatoes, and Indian spices:

And... I also splurged on a carton of Penguinos, which are akin to (and probably inspired by) the cream-filled Hostess chocolate cupcakes - but even more moist and delicious. 

*  *  *

Plans for the day include:

-Continuing to lay around in my pajamas

-Going downtown to select our yearly family ornaments (we pick a couple nice ones for Christmas every year)

-Doing laundry. Maybe.

-Resting my knee, which was SUPER sore on the plane yesterday. It felt fine when I did my pre-flight run in Berkeley in the morning, but by the third leg of the flight, it ached a lot.

Vegan for 30 days: Day 1 starts tomorrow!

I've been thinking a lot about veganism. It's something I tried this past summer and fall, and for much of that time, I felt really good about not eating animal products. My primary reason for going vegan was sustainability: calorie for calorie, a plant-based diet is better for the environment in that growing crops requires less water, creates less pollution, requires less energy, and supports more people than does raising animals for food.

Veganism didn't stick - but somewhat surprisingly, it wasn't because I couldn't say no to a slab of steak or a grilled cheese sandwich. I like to cook, I like fresh produce, I'm addicted to rice and beans, and I still had my dark chocolate and coffee (which I absolutely refuse to give up, ever). I was fine with giving up animal products. Rather, it was because I started to feel like a giant pain in the ass whenever I ate with people other than my immediate family. Keep in mind that I also follow a gluten free diet, for health reasons (reasons like, I don't like having headaches every day and sinus infections once every month or two, and I do not enjoy stabbing pain in my stomach). So that meant that whenever I went out to eat with friends, or attended a party, it would turn into this big THING. 

Let's go out to for lunch/dinner!

Oh wait. You can't eat gluten. So where can we go? [This alone causes unnecessary drama way more often than I'd like, despite the fact that the vast majority of restaurants/eateries now have GF options of some sort.]

Uhhhhh AND you can't eat meat? Really?

Or cheese? No dairy at all?

...Eggs? NO?

Oh god. That really limits our options.

And that's when this is going on in a major metropolitan area. This doesn't include the issues that unfold when I'm on a field trip and my advisor wants to cook camp food for everyone, every night, or when people invite my family to dinner and want to know what they should cook.

I really DON'T want it to cause drama, and yet it so often does. And I hate - HATE - inconveniencing people. Just the sense that I'm creating problems makes me feel horribly guilty, like I'm draining all the fun and all of the options out of the event. Then it degenerates into me wanting to crawl under a table, covering my ears and rocking back and forth. Really.

So I gave up on veganism, somewhat reluctantly but also with some relief from a social standpoint. I tried to stick to organic dairy products, free range eggs, and meat from farms that supposedly treat animals properly - though of course, depending on the situation and where I was, I didn't always have much control over that.

Then, two days ago, I watched the documentary Vegucated. It wasn't the most engaging documentary about food I've ever seen - it was no Food, Inc. - but it definitely made me reconsider veganism. One thing this movie did that others have not is look at the truth behind labels like "organic" and "free range" and similar terms carefully chosen to make the consumer feel good about her food choices. For example: "free range" doesn't necessarily mean than birds are allowed to freely roam the farm. More like, they're not stuffed into cages but instead have to trip over their cohorts and walk through mounds of poop in giant indoor chicken pens. Those same "free range" facilities may still cut off the beaks of chickens and chop up live male chicks for cat food. Another example: Even cows that are not stuffed with antibiotics may have their babies taken away from them and, if they get sick, are often put down with a bolt to the head.

More than the horrible video footage, I was disgusted by the hypocrisy. Companies KNOW that most consumers aren't aware of what goes on behind the scenes, and they take advantage of that.

I'm not saying that every meat or dairy farmer, or every food purveyor, operates in a hypocritical way. But I don't feel like having to dig for the truth every time I purchase an animal product. So, considering the environmental issues I already mentioned, and the health benefits I haven't touched on, I decided to go back to veganism for 30 days to see how it goes. I took the PETA 30 day challenge. I know that my friends and extended family have their own point of view, and I know I may end up inconveniencing some of them (especially at the holidays!). But this is something I want to try, and I hope the people will try to understand my reasons for it.

30 days starts tomorrow! My breakfast plans include a coconut milk "yogurt" with granola, orange juice, and of course coffee.