Blue skies, finally

Today was the first continuously sunny day in more than a week. After being scoured by so much rain, sleet, and more rain, the sky was a brilliant, crisp blue. I decided to be a bad graduate student and skip school (and traffic). (In my defense, I've put in a lot of work this week, gone in early and stayed late, and submitted abstracts and manuscript drafts, so I decided playing hooky was okay.) On my day off, I...

...went to an Xtend Barre class at the decadently late hour of 9 a.m.

...decided to enjoy the sun by going to the park and jogging. I'm not sure where I mustered up the energy, but I managed to run four miles with negative splits, with my slowest mile being 9:28 and my fastest being 9:05. Those are good times for me, especially considering that I never felt like I was going all out.

Evidence of a gorgeous day.

...went on a coffee/hummus date with my husband at a new cafe in town:

The coffee was Panama something-or-other,

and it was amazing.

...borrowed some books from the library, including the new biography of David Foster Wallace.

...did some laundry.

...did not clean my house.

Re: that last one. It's funny how memories that once seemed insignificant - like, why have I remembered it all these years? What was the purpose in hanging onto it? - sometimes take on greater meaning. One such memory is of going to my first best friend's house to play. The place was always a complete disaster area: toys everywhere, sticky countertops, pet fur covering the couches, dust all over the floor. Even as a six-year-old, I noticed the disarray. But it was always so much fun. We let our imaginations run wild building stuff, coloring, moving toys from one room to another, going from inside to outside to inside to outside. Unlike my other friends' moms, she wasn't one to chase after us with broom, dustpan, vacuum cleaner, and annoyed tone. Instead, she was usually reading or writing or cooking or doing something for herself. She seemed to have her own life. I remember feeling really free and relaxed there, knowing that as long as we didn't fight or say/do anything inappropriate, no-one was going to yell at us.

Even with just one kid, it's hard to keep our place clean, and I try far less to do so than I used to. There are legos under pretty much every piece of furniture and Kindergarten artwork on almost every wall. Our ottoman is falling apart, and our couch has a three-inch gash in the cushion. My son's room looks - to me - like a mess, though he assures me that it is actually a house with its own kitchen, bedroom, and art center.

It's not a total pit. It's not dirty. It's just messy and lived-in. Well loved, well used. Nothing like a Pottery Barn ad. I could clean for 18 hours a day and my son could still undo it in a matter of minutes. 

Sometimes I wish it were cleaner (I'm type A: messes of any kind make me at least a little anxious) but then I remember my friends' house and I feel better. That feeling I had when I was there is the feeling I want him to have at home. Freedom to just be a kid and not worry about how an emptied toy box might affect the adult's psyche.

Marginally-Homemade Vegan Chocolate Nibbles

I have an issue with vegan energy bars, and it's that most of them (with the exception of Zing bars, which are my absolute favorite but which are expensive and not readily available around here) are date-based. Dates are tasty, but they're also texturally dense and very sweet. When you add to that things like dried cherries, walnuts, and agave, they turn into brick-like sugarbombs.

If I had to pick a favorite - Zing not included - it would be the Pure Bar:

The chocolate one especially. It doesn't really taste like a brownie to me, contrary to what the package says, but the cocoa cuts the sweetness a bit. The cherry cashew is... okay. When I'm desperate for a quick snack in the middle of the day, I'll eat one if it's the only carb-y thing around. 

But still... These things have heft, and once I eat one, I can feel the heft in my stomach. See? Dense, dense, dense:

However, they make a fantastic base for quick and easy chocolate nibbles. All you need is a bar and some dark chocolate. I use Trader Joe's: it melts well, and it's inexpensive:

Cut the bars up into little bite-size pieces...

...and then melt a few of the chocolate bars in the microwave. Heat on medium-high for 2-3 minutes, stirring once every minute.

Then just drizzle the chocolate over the bites. My five-year-old son did this part - his method was to dot each bite with a glob of chocolate. My method is to cover the whole thing (chocolate everywhere!), but I like how his chocolate dribbled over the sides. He did, too: he now fancies himself quite the pastry chef.

So easy, a Kindergartner can do it! (He loves stuff like this.)

I'll keep them in the refrigerator and have them as dessert for the next few days. Two or three bites are enough to make me feel satisfied and chocolate-happy.

This "recipe" makes Sandra Lee's creations look like food worthy of the French Laundry.

A Very Vegan Christmas

Merry Christmas and/or happy holidays, depending on what you celebrate. Regardless, I hope you get to spend this time of year with people you love.

My parents are in town to help celebrate, and yesterday I made a whole vegan spread for dinner. (Today is Day 8 of my 30 Day Vegan Challenge.)

1. Acorn squash with salt, pepper, and brown sugar:

This was super easy. The hardest part was simply cutting the squash in half. Had anyone been watching me try to slice through this thing with a butcher knife, I would have probably given them a heart attack. Thankfully it all worked out.

2. Steamed mustard, turnip, and collard greens with sweet onions, grape tomatoes, and yellow squash:

I didn't use a recipe for this one. I just made it up as I went along. I heated up the onions, then the tomatoes and the squash; this lent some sweetness to the pan. Then I added the greens and steamed it all on low for about 10 minutes or so. It takes a while for these types of leaves to soften up.

3. Roasted beets, carrots, and brussels sprouts:

Another easy one. I coated the brussels sprouts and carrots with a couple tablespoons of olive oil and then sprinkled in salt and pepper. I did the same to the beets, but separately to minimize getting beet juice everywhere (still happened during the cooking process, though). Then I roasted the mixture at 400F for ~30 minutes.

4. Smashed potatoes:

I peeled the potatoes and cooked them in the microwave until they were soft. Then I squished them up using a potato masher and added Earth Balance spread (not too much, since it tends to be a bit oily) and almond milk (probably between 1 and 1 1/2 cups in total).

Also, I purchased a crusty loaf of bread for everyone else's enjoyment. I heated it up, sliced it, and slathered a piece of it with butter for my son. Kid looked like he was in gluten heaven.

Verdict: I thought it was fantastic; the best thing was feeling full and satisfied, but not stuffed. My mom said she loved it. My husband seemed to enjoy it, especially the potatoes. My dad... Not so much. This was not his idea of a traditional Christmas dinner. Or traditional Christmas anything, given that we do not go to church or attend a Christmas Eve service. I have to be really careful not to let myself fall into the "I never do anything right" thing with them.

But whatever. You come to my house, you get to eat my hippie granola food and do the holidays our way. In the end, I hope they realize that we do have common ground - not in food, not in spiritual beliefs or practices, not in income, but in family and in doing our best for the kids in our family.

Anyway, have a wonderful day! I hope you get to eat, and rest, and share, and get all of the things you need and at least a few of the things you want.

Saturday Six; Vegan Days 3-5

1. My family came into town today. One thing that I've noticed since being in therapy, taking antidepressants, and learning how to set boundaries is that I can now handle having my relatives in my home for extended periods of time (and by "extended," I mean six hours or so, tops). This has not always been the case. Used to be that having them here for even half an hour sent me into a tailspin of anxiety, depression, and dissociation. The most important thing for me is not letting them infiltrate my own space: whereas we used to have them stay in our house, we now ask them to stay in a hotel. Although somewhat inconvenient, it works out so much better for everyone.

Confession: as healthy as that all sounds, I was kind of a mess yesterday. When it comes to my family, panic attacks are my autopilot measure.

2. Another confession: while they are in town, we have plenty of libation on hand. Alcohol does serve its purpose at the holidays. I did not learn this in therapy. 

This is one of my favorite inexpensive wines - mostly because it tastes good, but I also do love the label. :-)

3. One of my students from this past semester sent me a hand-written thank you card. My grades have been in for two weeks and she's already received her updated transcript, so it's not like she was doing this to win favors. I have to give her props. Maybe one day I'll make writing personalized thank-you messages a goal; as it is, I'm happy if we manage to get the water bill in the mail.

4. Paper snowflakes: I love them.

5. Today was Day 5 of the 30 Day Vegan Challenge. So far, so good! 

Breakfast: GF granola cereal with almond milk

Snack: Almond milk (!) latte at the new cafe in town... This is the first time I've been to a local place that offers almond milk

Lunch: GF pasta (Trader Joe's brand, which is pretty good) and sauce with an apple on the side

Snack: Orange and a Larabar

Dinner: Sauerkraut with potatoes, green beans, and mushrooms. Sauerkraut: smells stinky, tastes delish, yay for fermented food.

I'm reminded that this whole vegan thing isn't an issue for me as long as I have access to the food I like/need and a way to cook it. I'm not craving meat or dairy so far. In the long run, I think cheese will be the toughest thing: I do love a good stinky cheese.

6. To offset the calorie count: mat Pilates last night (first time doing a bona-fide Pilates class) and an Xtend Barre class today. After two weeks of being away, I'm sore.

Home Again; Vegan Challenge, Days 1 and 2

I'm home, I'm home! I'm so happy to be home. This trip to California felt really long, even though it was similar in length to other trips I've taken. While I did appreciate the opportunity to gather some much-needed data for my dissertation research, and while I definitely appreciated the opportunity to hang out in such a lovely place, it seemed like I was gone for a month, not 12 days.

Overall, it was a good trip. I never felt overly lonely, and I was able to go out, run, and enjoy the fresh air quite often. I also indulged in activities that are more difficult when I'm home with an active five-year-old - namely, eating dinner in bed while watching Sister Wives and Catfish uninterrupted. There's something to be said for that.

But I missed my little man, and my husband, and now that I'm back, our holiday can actually start. 

*  *  *

I'm on Day 3 of the 30 Day Vegan Challenge. So far, so good. Days 1 and 2 involved some creative meal planning using food from the motel's free breakfast (coffee, juice, cereal, granola bars), quick-cook meals from Trader Joe's, and a pomelo that took me approximately 24 minutes to peel (I was feeling ambitious and adventurous with that one; in the end, it tasted okay).

Something I've learned so far: I do not like soy yogurt. At all. Too gluey, and it tastes like... pasty beans. Not my thing. But this heat-and-serve rice noodle soup with edamame crackers was easy and yummy.

The highlight of Day 2 was a stop at the Mariposa Baking Company in San Francisco's Ferry Building. MBC makes entirely gluten-free breads and goodies. It was on the way to the airport, so I got off the BART at Embarcadero, indulged, and then headed to SFO with a full, happy belly.

Drool, drool, drool:

Everything was gluten free, of course, but a lot of it was also vegan. For lunch, I ordered the vegan empanadas with a side salad (complete with GF croutons):

PERFECTION. The curry filling consisted of potatoes, tomatoes, and Indian spices:

And... I also splurged on a carton of Penguinos, which are akin to (and probably inspired by) the cream-filled Hostess chocolate cupcakes - but even more moist and delicious. 

*  *  *

Plans for the day include:

-Continuing to lay around in my pajamas

-Going downtown to select our yearly family ornaments (we pick a couple nice ones for Christmas every year)

-Doing laundry. Maybe.

-Resting my knee, which was SUPER sore on the plane yesterday. It felt fine when I did my pre-flight run in Berkeley in the morning, but by the third leg of the flight, it ached a lot.

Vegan for 30 days: Day 1 starts tomorrow!

I've been thinking a lot about veganism. It's something I tried this past summer and fall, and for much of that time, I felt really good about not eating animal products. My primary reason for going vegan was sustainability: calorie for calorie, a plant-based diet is better for the environment in that growing crops requires less water, creates less pollution, requires less energy, and supports more people than does raising animals for food.

Veganism didn't stick - but somewhat surprisingly, it wasn't because I couldn't say no to a slab of steak or a grilled cheese sandwich. I like to cook, I like fresh produce, I'm addicted to rice and beans, and I still had my dark chocolate and coffee (which I absolutely refuse to give up, ever). I was fine with giving up animal products. Rather, it was because I started to feel like a giant pain in the ass whenever I ate with people other than my immediate family. Keep in mind that I also follow a gluten free diet, for health reasons (reasons like, I don't like having headaches every day and sinus infections once every month or two, and I do not enjoy stabbing pain in my stomach). So that meant that whenever I went out to eat with friends, or attended a party, it would turn into this big THING. 

Let's go out to for lunch/dinner!

Oh wait. You can't eat gluten. So where can we go? [This alone causes unnecessary drama way more often than I'd like, despite the fact that the vast majority of restaurants/eateries now have GF options of some sort.]

Uhhhhh AND you can't eat meat? Really?

Or cheese? No dairy at all?

...Eggs? NO?

Oh god. That really limits our options.

And that's when this is going on in a major metropolitan area. This doesn't include the issues that unfold when I'm on a field trip and my advisor wants to cook camp food for everyone, every night, or when people invite my family to dinner and want to know what they should cook.

I really DON'T want it to cause drama, and yet it so often does. And I hate - HATE - inconveniencing people. Just the sense that I'm creating problems makes me feel horribly guilty, like I'm draining all the fun and all of the options out of the event. Then it degenerates into me wanting to crawl under a table, covering my ears and rocking back and forth. Really.

So I gave up on veganism, somewhat reluctantly but also with some relief from a social standpoint. I tried to stick to organic dairy products, free range eggs, and meat from farms that supposedly treat animals properly - though of course, depending on the situation and where I was, I didn't always have much control over that.

Then, two days ago, I watched the documentary Vegucated. It wasn't the most engaging documentary about food I've ever seen - it was no Food, Inc. - but it definitely made me reconsider veganism. One thing this movie did that others have not is look at the truth behind labels like "organic" and "free range" and similar terms carefully chosen to make the consumer feel good about her food choices. For example: "free range" doesn't necessarily mean than birds are allowed to freely roam the farm. More like, they're not stuffed into cages but instead have to trip over their cohorts and walk through mounds of poop in giant indoor chicken pens. Those same "free range" facilities may still cut off the beaks of chickens and chop up live male chicks for cat food. Another example: Even cows that are not stuffed with antibiotics may have their babies taken away from them and, if they get sick, are often put down with a bolt to the head.

More than the horrible video footage, I was disgusted by the hypocrisy. Companies KNOW that most consumers aren't aware of what goes on behind the scenes, and they take advantage of that.

I'm not saying that every meat or dairy farmer, or every food purveyor, operates in a hypocritical way. But I don't feel like having to dig for the truth every time I purchase an animal product. So, considering the environmental issues I already mentioned, and the health benefits I haven't touched on, I decided to go back to veganism for 30 days to see how it goes. I took the PETA 30 day challenge. I know that my friends and extended family have their own point of view, and I know I may end up inconveniencing some of them (especially at the holidays!). But this is something I want to try, and I hope the people will try to understand my reasons for it.

30 days starts tomorrow! My breakfast plans include a coconut milk "yogurt" with granola, orange juice, and of course coffee.

Inadequate words on a tragic day

Today a young man shot and killed 20 elementary school students. Little kids. The same age as my son. Of all the horrible acts of violence that have happened in the last few years, I think this is the one I understand the least. It makes my brain reel. I was doing all sorts of things today, and doing them sufficiently well I guess, but my mind was half somewhere else. 

*   *   *

It was one of those days where, when I looked at someone else walking down the street, and he or she looked back, there was an immediate connection, an understanding, because we were reminded of our common bond as human beings. 

*   *   *

I believe that there's no such thing as "evil." I think that when we label someone else as evil, we do two things: we make them the "other," someone who has little to nothing common with us; and we strip them of a certain level of basic responsibility. After all, the purpose of Evil is... to be evil. "Evil" seems like this force that comes from outside the human realm, something we can't extinguish. But the truth is that normal, everyday people - people like me and like you - can do truly horrible, unspeakable things. They aren't monsters. Their purpose in life was not to create suffering, but those are the acts they chose for whatever reason (abuse in their own life, trauma, mental illness), and in turn they pass on their suffering to others.

I could talk about gun control (I have strong feelings about that) and I could talk about the importance of mental health support (strong feelings about that too), but ultimately, what's wrong here is much deeper than that. 

*   *   *
"If we are not happy, if we are not peaceful, we cannot share peace and happiness with others, even those we love, those who live under the same roof. If we are peaceful, if we are happy, we can smile and blossom like a flower, and everyone in our family, our entire society, will benefit from our peace." - Thich Nhat Hanh

Defunct pier, Berkeley marina

"No-one got the instructions. That is the secret of life. Everyone is flailing around, winging it most of the time, trying to find the way out, or through, or up, without a map. This lack of instruction manual is how most people develop compassion, and how they figure out to show up, care, help and serve, as the only way of filling up and being free. Otherwise you grow up to be someone who needs to dominate and shame others so no one will know that you weren't there the day the instructions were passed out.” - Anne Lamott

End of the pier, Berkeley marina

San Francisco Bay

Daydreaming, Part 2: Adventure

One time, I sailed as a deckhand from England to the Canary Islands on a tall ship. It took about a month, and we had to cross the Bay of Biscay, otherwise known as the "Bay of Sickbay" because of its stomach-lurching effects.

It was a really amazing trip - one of the biggest adventures I'll ever have, I'm sure. Things I best remember: drinking hot chocolate on the deck at midnight when I wasn't on watch, the brightness and density of the stars over the pitch black ocean, getting chased down the hall by a misplaced vacuum cleaner during a gale-force storm (one of two we experienced), getting hit so hard by a wave during the middle of the night that the water rushed into my Wellies and soaked everything I was wearing, learning to tie knots and stow rope, climbing up to the top of the main mast (terrifying), the weird things the British cook made us for breakfast and dinner.

It was pretty fantastic. I think I was happy and focused for 99.99% of that trip. Except that one time when the first mate yelled at me for not tying up a tarp as taut as it needed to be. Oh, and the time the cook made us eat hard-boiled eggs wrapped in stuffing and cornflakes. That was weird.

I love what I am doing now because I still get to have adventures. I get to spend time in the middle of nowhere and hike around for days on end. I get to travel. Sometimes I get to see places that I couldn't see as a tourist, simply because my studies give me a kind of "all access pass." I get to eat food cooked over a campfire. Every now and then I do things that don't seem very safe at all, which I both hate and love. Usually, at least one odd and unsettling (but ultimately harmless) thing happens on every adventure, and it makes for a good story later on.

And then I get to come home, be a mom, hang out with my kid and husband, go to school, work out, clean my house, go to the grocery store, fret over the balance in the checking account, and make dinner. All that is an adventure, too.

What are some of the adventurous things you do, either in your everyday life or once in a blue moon? What are the things that make your life awesome, that give you meaning, purpose, memories, adrenaline?

By the numbers

2: number of scoops of ice cream I ate last night (coffee + effervescent cherry sorbet)

4: number of additional ice cream samples the lady behind the counter "made" me try (dark chocolate peppermint, sweet potato and marshmallow, bourbon maple, and something with beer). I roughed it out and licked those sample spoons clean.

9: miles ran/jogged this weekend

3: fitness class torture-fests I took part in last week

1: completed application submitted

1.5: glasses of wine consumed today

5: clementine oranges going in my lunch bag for tomorrow

3: average number of times I run the dryer before my husband gets annoyed and folds the clothes himself

1: free cup of coffee I'm getting tomorrow by bringing in my empty coffee bag

4: days until my next trip

12: days I'm going to be away from home (booooo)

1: cheap snow globe that was dropped and shattered over the weekend

1000000: bits of smashed snow globe glass

7: gluten-free pancakes eaten by five-year-old this morning

34

My birthday's tomorrow. I will be 34. I'm cool with that, and I'm starting to understand what people mean when they say that your 30s are in many ways (not every way) "better" than your 20s.

Tomorrow I will be 34, and I will have more gray hair, cellulite, and spider veins than ever before. I will still have my pizza-dough stomach and my tiger-stripe stretch marks. I will still be in school. I will still be struggling to help maintain a savings account. I will still not know how to ski. My child will still be saying "Mommy? Mommy? Mommy. MOMMMMY. Mommy. Mommy (ad infinitum)" just as he is right now as I type this.

Tomorrow I will be 34, and I will be in the best physical shape of my life so far. I have more resources than I've ever had for coping with difficult emotions and my sometimes-erratic brain. I have more self-awareness than I did at this time last year. My life hasn't changed much since then, but I have a greater appreciation for my life. Same situations, same circumstances, different outlook.

I bought myself two birthday presents:

1) Fancy (for me) shampoo and conditioner

2) This book, which I am really enjoying so far and hope will be helpful: The Mindful Way Through Depression... Because at some point, it would be nice to stop taking Zoloft (though I'm not counting on it).

Tomorrow should be really low-key. I'm doing an early-morning 8-mile run with RF, taking some treats in to share with my class, and maybe grabbing some takeout with my family.

Wind, rain, hills... 20 miles

20 miles, done.

It was not an easy run for either RF or myself. We started off on an exceedingly hilly road and followed it for the first 11 miles. At mile 4 or 5, we hit a hill that seemed to go on forever, and I really struggled. I kept moving forward, but very slowly, and my mind kind of shut down. I couldn't manage to put together coherent thoughts, except a Little-Engine-That-Could type mantra: Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. This first half of the run was more beautiful, but although I did take note of the gorgeous red, yellow, and orange leaves, I didn't enjoy it much. It was a slog. Plus, my knee started to ache somewhere in there; I worried that it might not hold up.

At mile 11, we stopped to have a snack that my husband had cached for us. Amazing: a little extra water, a little Gatorade, an energy bar, some stretching, and I was like new. In fact, from there on out I felt a whooooole lot better. Not to say the second half was easy. It wasn't. But I found a groove and stayed in it for most of the rest of the way. It helped that we a) walked up a couple of the bigger remaining hills (honestly, I think I walk up hills more quickly than I run them - I go into speedwalker mode) and b) took a bathroom break. Plus, I promised myself that at mile 16 or 17 I could consume my beloved Espresso Hammer Gel. For whatever reason, it tasted absolutely divine, even though anything else would have likely made me puke.

At mile 17.5 or so I started breaking up the run into mini-goals: run to that sign, now run to that electric pole, now run to the stoplight. Mentally, it worked wonders.

During the last mile the wind picked up to 20-25 mph, and we were running directly into it. We felt like we were standing still. That part was tough.

It was good, I think, to have such a tough run and get through it anyway. That way, even if parts of the marathon are rough, we'll know we're capable of pushing through.

*  *  *

Near home, RF joked that "we shall overcome," and suddenly I was swooped back in time to elementary school when we sang that song at nearly every assembly and holiday concert. I remembered all the words and hummed it all the way back. I'd forgotten how much I love that song. And in a way, it was appropriate for our morning. :-)

*  *  *

Got home, iced my knee, ate apple crumble, ate a burrito, ate some chips, drank a lot of fluids, ate some more. Showed my son how to use Q-Tips to spread glue onto paper; ended up with a giant mess on the kitchen table. Showed my son how to make pancakes and roasted potatoes for dinner; ended up with a giant mess on the counter. ;-) I'm surprised at how much energy I had this afternoon. If anything, I had MORE energy than I usually do on days when I do not run.

I love running.

Jetlagged

I got home almost a week ago, and my waking/sleeping schedule is still off. I keep waking up bright eyed and bushy tailed at 5 a.m. (not like me) and by 8:15 p.m., I'm falling asleep (not like me). One evening I fell asleep standing up.

This wouldn't really be a problem - because I've actually been quite productive during the day, and I have time in the morning to eat/drink/etc. prior to running - except that I haven't spent much time with my husband. Usually we put our son to bed, talk, have a glass of wine or a beer, and watch an episode or two of Breaking Bad. But I can't get through five minutes of that show right now. We're so far behind.

*  *  *  *
Tomorrow's the 18 miler. I won't lie: I'm a bit nervous. My main concern is my legs. They were cramping pretty badly by the end of the 15-mile run, and I'm not sure how to prevent that from happening again other than conscientiously drink fluids along the way.

I feel like my RF has higher expectations of us than I do. Personally, I really don't care how we get through these long runs as long as we get through them. Walking is fine. Stopping for refreshments is fine. But she seems pretty determined to run run run the whole way. Part of me is a little concerned that I'm going to disappoint her, but I also feel like we need to treat the marathon a little differently from, say, a 10K. The expectation this time around should be to finish, period.

I've made loads of improvement in my speed since starting to run with RF, so I can't complain. She's great. But she is also a faster and more natural runner than I am. She is long, lean, and gazelle-like. I am short, stockier, and built more like... well, like not a gazelle. Sometimes I worry that she will get frustrated by my inability to keep up.
*  *  *  *
At any rate. 18 miles tomorrow, and it WILL get done! And we WILL have a relatively good time.

Parenting FAIL day

My husband is out of town, so it's just me and my son this weekend. So far, not so good.

It started when my son decided he wanted to do a craft project at 6:30 a.m.

Him: You have TWO choices: make glitter butterflies or build a LEGO house.
Me: I need coffee. I can't do anything until I've had breakfast and coffee.
Him: That isn't one of the choices.
Me: I'll help you with a craft after I've had breakfast and coffee.
Him: NOT ONE OF THE CHOICES.

At which point I retreated to the bedroom, put a pillow over my head, and said I was feeling sick. Then I stared at the ceiling and thought about how this "You have X choices" thing his teacher is using to get her students to do stuff is totally backfiring.

Then my friend (a former college golfer) texted me, offering to give my son the golf lessons he's been asking for. Great! I'm pumped, he's pumped, we have a cheap club from Goodwill, we're ready. We meet my friend at the park. My son takes his first aim at the tennis ball she's provided to help him get used to swinging. He misses.

Cue a temper tantrum that could put one of John McEnroe's rants to shame. He threw a golf club, marched around, screamed, said he was DONE. I suppose we should have gone home right then and there, but my friend had driven a ways to meet us, and we'd had to drive a decent distance, too, so we stuck around and I practiced hitting tennis balls while Cranky McGee wandered around muttering angrily to himself.

Later, we went to the bookstore. He asked for a cookie. Conversation:

Him: Mommy, I am really hungry. I need a snack.
Me: I brought grapes and Cheerios.
Him: But I don't want those! Here are your three choices. Points at three different cookies, each the size of his head if not larger.
Me: No cookies today.
Him: YOU AREN'T LISTENING TO THE CHOICES!!!
Me: This is causing too much drama. We're leaving.

At which point he REALLY let it rip, and the entire store and parking lot got an earful until I had him packed up into his carseat.

Five minutes from home, he fell asleep. He's still sleeping.

Maybe he misses my husband. Maybe he's exceptionally tired. I don't know, but he's not usually this volatile. He's a lot like I was when I was little, so I'm trying to be sensitive while still setting boundaries and expectations.

It's just hard sometimes. Parenting is not easy and a lot of times it's not particularly fun. I often feel like I have no idea what I'm doing, and that even though I'm trying my best, it isn't good enough.

Five happy things, with asterisks

Five happy things today:

1. My running girls and I had a great six-miler this morning. We started early, headed across town through intense humidity*, conquered at least three steep hills, and wrapped up feeling like we could have gone at least six more miles. Running highs are the exception to the rule for me, so I definitely appreciated this one. I especially appreciated sharing the experience with my friends.

*At least it was relatively cool. Autumn is on the way, and although I am not ready to say goodbye to summer, autumn provides much better running conditions.

2. I have therapy tomorrow, and I am so looking forward to it. It's been two weeks since I last went and I feel like I really need a chance to vent/let loose to someone who will listen in a nonjudgmental way*. I have been seeing this therapist on and off for more than two years. My meetings with him have become an important aspect of my life, even when (especially when?) I'm not in crisis mode. We have a special rapport that I value.

*Because who else is going to let me blather on about myself for the better part of an hour?

3. Peanut butter Larabars topped with melted dark chocolate for dessert*. I don't like most Larabars on their own, but with the chocolate on top, it's like a gluten-free, vegan peanut butter cup.

*I love dessert.

4. I'm looking forward to reading with my son tonight*. We're in the process of establishing a family reading hour before his bedtime. Last night we read for 20 minutes. We'll up that length gradually.

*I love Trashy Town and Cat in the Hat. I can't stand Wacky Wednesday.

5. My husband made dinner. It involved lots of potatoes and it was delicious*.

*I eat like a linebacker. 

Friday Five

1. There was a big accident on the highway this afternoon (I don't think anyone was seriously hurt, but the cars were in a really bad location near the median). I sat in traffic for about an hour, ate the cashews that my husband had purchased for this type of situation (so that I'm not hangry when I finally get home), listened to music, and tried to convince myself that my commute counts as "me time."

2. Family night: We went out to dinner at Whole Foods. There are few, if any, eateries near my home that gladly accommodate gluten free, vegan diets. But Whole Foods does. My husband filled up at the buffet, my son selected grapes, cheese, and a mini cupcake, and I had some sort of rice/bean patty concoction (which was okay - not fantastic, but healthy at any rate).

While there, I discovered that Whole Foods has a wine bar. In the store! Who knew? And unlike most other places around here on Friday evenings, there were seats available. I'm taking note of this: it's going to be a part of our next date night.

3. I spent a really really long time picking out a dessert for myself and finally selected Udi's gluten-free Snickerdoodle cookies. Got home, ripped open the package... and realized that they contain butter and eggs. Aaaargh. So I settled for one of these instead:

They're a little crunchier than most bars, but I like that - I really can't stand anything that even remotely resembles the texture of a Power Bar. I need some snap, some resistance. My favorite bars are Zing Bars. I haven't been able to find them around here.

4. I'm still loving the Xtend Barre class, and it is still kicking my butt. I love that. It's really, really hard - to the point where my legs shake and I'm on the verge of collapsing (but in a good way). The classes are normally pretty expensive ($20 each!) but I paid for 16 of them on the cheap through Groupon and Living Social deals. I've already used 6 of the classes. My flexibility and balance have moderately improved, and I think my core muscles are getting stronger. I'm thinking about signing up for unlimited classes once my coupon runs out, but that requires a 6-month contract, $150 per month. Yeesh. For us, that's steep. Maybe I'll see if the owner would be willing to cut me some sort of additional deal...

5. Running plans for the weekend: 4-5 miles tomorrow, 3-4 miles Sunday. On Tuesday, my running group is finally re-convening after several weeks off. I'm looking forward to that. These girls push me in a way that I do not push myself. I've missed running with them.

A new era for our little family

My little boy starts Kindergarten tomorrow. I know he's ready. I'm pretty sure we're ready, too. But there's definitely a weight to this occasion. He'll need to exercise more independence. He'll have to make more decisions on his own. He'll have to follow other adults' directions/rules, some of which his laid back parents think are kind of silly (not that we'd admit that to him).

It's all good. I don't own my child. I'm responsible for his well being, and I'd do anything for him to keep him safe and secure, but he has a right to his own experiences.

It's not that I'm particularly sad, though there is a sense of, "Wow. I thought we'd never get here, and yet here we are." It's just that I recognize we're turning a page. We're making a transition, and life will change, evolve, if only in subtle ways.

Plié, run, dinner, dessert

Yesterday: 1 hour barre class, four mile run

Today: 1 hour barre class (I think she was trying to kill us - which I LOVED), three mile run at park followed by chasing after my scooter-riding son.

Working out this much makes me really tired, but in a good way. I had just enough energy this weekend to focus on family, eating, sleeping, writing, and watching television, which means that my brain didn't have enough juice to chase its own tail.

Dinner tonight: Hodge-podge of roasted veg (zucchini, tomatoes, sweet potato, regular potatoes, portobello mushrooms, and garlic) + kale (Trader Joe's frozen) + chickpeas marinated in lemon juice, lemon zest, salt, and pepper

Sidenote: This? From Trader Joe's? Is great. Just pop out a few cubes of garlic, add them to the pan with a little oil, voila. No need to chop garlic if you're short on time.

Planned dessert: Frozen grapes and blueberries. Like candy, but with more phytochemicals.

Confession: My husband, completely against my wishes of course, purchased more chocolate crack cereal. So there is a slight possibility that I may somehow try to work it into dessert. And breakfast tomorrow. And my mid-morning snack...

Planned evening activities: Eating said dessert, drinking a glass of wine, and indulging in an episode of Breaking Bad, which is quickly becoming an obsession for me and my husband.

Tomorrow: I need to be on the road by 6:45 a.m. I have little to complain about in my life other than this commute.

I truly hope this week is a good one for you.

Exhaustion, and week in review

I am just plain tuckered out! I decided to run last night, do a fitness class this morning, and then run again right after the class. Now I want to sleep the afternoon away (which... with a five-year-old? Is a total pipe dream) and eat.

*   *   *
Things about last week that stand out:

• My son's first day of Kindergarten! I'm so proud of him and hope that this year will be a wonderful experience.
• Going to, and making a sincere effort to keep up with, a new barre class (even though I am, physically speaking, the anti-ballerina)
• Getting my fall schedule figured out
• Beautiful weather with some much-needed rain mixed in
• Keeping up with my goal to drink ~64 ounces of water every day
• Cooking something new (chickpea patties - yum)
• Mood: Pretty upbeat overall

Things I'm looking forward to:

• Date night with my husband
• My two closest friends from school finally returning from their looooong summer field seasons in exotic areas of the world (Iceland and New Zealand) 
• Another relatively relaxing, work-free day tomorrow

Things I'm grateful for:

• My sweet, smart, energetic, creative, affectionate little boy 
• My laid-back husband, who doesn't always understand me but unconditionally accepts me
• The best, most supportive, most energetic dissertation advisor ever - we butt heads sometimes, but I can't imagine a better mentor
• Time for relaxation
• Amazing opportunities - school, travel, free public education for my child, good health, employment
• The capacity, freedom, and opportunity to make changes, and people who are willing to help me as I strive to do so

I like this: "Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world." - John Milton

What about you? What are you grateful for?

The first day

Today was my son's first day of Kindergarten - well, half-day orientation, but close enough. It was the first time he met other children in his class and spent appreciable time with his teachers.

The whole operation went as smoothly as it possibly could have. Dropped him off; no tears (he seemed a little anxious until the tall, pretty blonde teacher asked him about his Transformers backpack... She won him over in seconds.) Picked him up; all smiles. Unprompted, he even told me about part of his day: he colored in an apple picture and cut it out, and he ate lunch in the cafeteria. Given that he's always been reluctant to tell us about activities at his preschool, I took this as a sign that he's excited about his new experience.

A few months ago I worried about him going to Kindergarten: he's so shy sometimes... Would he be okay? Would he be able to stand up for himself if someone picked on him? Would his learning be totally test-oriented? Would the kids get enough science, art, and playtime? Would someone hurt him, and if someone DID hurt him, would he tell me? I really worked myself into quite a frenzy and was well on my way to becoming the poster mother for Helicopter Parenting.

In late April all of those concerns veritably disappeared when we went to the school to pre-register him. He fell in love immediately: with the library stocked with computers, books, and comfy seats; with the music room filled with drums, xylophones, guitars, and other instruments; with the bright, colorful Kindergarten classrooms; with the computer lab.

I fell in love with the school, too, mainly because it reminded me so much of my own public elementary school: not at all fancy, very diverse in terms of student population, down to earth, warm. If I have one academic-related wish for my son right now, it's that he enjoys this part of his educational journey as much as I did. For me, school was a source of comfort and consistency, a place where I couldn't wait to be every day because I knew I'd be doing and learning new things. Every morning was like Christmas. My teachers played a critical, vital part in shaping not only my knowledge base, but my sense of self-worth and self-confidence. Even now, I can still remember the names of each one of my K-6 teachers, and I think of all of them fondly because they were so kind to me. They made me feel like I could do anything.

With my son starting grade school, I am reminded that it is perfectly okay for a village - not just the parents - to help raise a child. In my own life, I don't know where I would be now without that village. My son's childhood is different than mine, but nevertheless, I want him to develop bonds with people - adults and kids - other than us. No one person can be everything for someone else, not even a parent for her child.

ETA: 3-mile run followed immediately by 1-hour "ballet class" = I can't bend my arms. Or legs.

Chickpea patties with roasted veggies

Five years ago, I cooked fairly often but didn't necessarily relish it. Trying to time each component of the meal, limit the amount of mess I made, wash the dishes as I went along (something my husband strongly believes in, probably because it means he doesn't have to spend as much time at the sink after dinner), make adjustments based on the availability of ingredients (or lack thereof)... It was kind of stressful. Also, I was perfectionistic. Every meal had to be a masterpiece. I'm no Julia Child, and with my attitude, I was doomed to culinary misery.

Going gluten free forced me to cook on a much more regular basis. I couldn't go out to eat nearly as often as I had in my pre-GF days; when I did, the food was usually disappointing. So cooking at home was almost always cheaper and sometimes more tasty. :-) At first I relied heavily on recipes, but then I realized that when you use fresh ingredients, you don't need to do a whole lot to food to make it taste good. And because I started to see food as fuel, I didn't get as upset if it didn't turn out as I'd hoped. It was still nutritious. Once I took some of the pressure off myself and reduced the complexity of my cooking efforts, the whole act of preparing a meal became a lot more relaxing and enjoyable. And as with most things, practice makes easier (not perfect - perfect is not a goal [or so I lecture myself on a regular basis]).

Tonight I made fried chickpea patties. The recipe is taken from Oh She Glows. I changed two things: I used GF flour instead of regular flour, and I fried the patties instead of baking them. We don't fry very often, and until recently it actually kind of scared me. But fried food... tastes good. And it cooks quickly. So I've gotten a little more comfortable with it.

Per the recipe, I combined red onion, garlic, cumin, coriander, and some salt and pepper (I kind of eyeballed the measurements). In a separate bowl, I mashed up two cans of chickpeas with my hands (not the cans, just the chickpeas... har har) and added the GF flour. My son mixed it all together.

Chickpeas and flour in wooden bowl; onions, garlic, and spices in blue bowl

I divided the mixture into 10 pieces and patted them into little disks:

Then I covered the bottom of a saute pan with canola oil, let it warm up on medium-high heat, and added the patties once the oil was very hot (I deemed it "very hot" when I dropped in a chickpea and saw it sizzle):

Not a pretty picture. Oh well. Does frying ever look pretty?

I fried the patties for ~4 minutes on one side and ~3 minutes on the other. Then I placed them on towels to soak up some of the excess oil.

I served them with roasted brussels sprouts and grape tomatoes (mix sprouts and tomatoes with a generous swizzle of olive oil, add salt and pepper, bake for 30 minutes at ~400 degrees). 

I was really pleased with the flavor and texture combinations: sweet tomatoes, slightly salty Brussels sprouts, patties that were light and crispy on the outside and soft on the inside. Perfect. Total comfort food. And easy to make.