Update: Low, tired, vegan-on-the-road, diet. Pause.

1. Low. In the past week, a couple of situations with my advisor have left me feeling crushed, frustrated, and stupid. Based on what I've heard from other people about the final years of a Ph.D. program, this is par for the course. But it sucks.

I love what I do so much, and yet it feels like such an uphill battle because subtle sexism is rampant. Moreover, many of these men don't even know they're doing it, so it's tough for them to recognize the problem, much less change their communication tactics.

I don't want to be treated like a little girl. I don't want condescending lectures about stuff I already know and know well. I am GOOD at what I do - in the field, in the lab, AND in the classroom. I have something to offer! All I want is to be able to contribute to my scientific community and share my passion for science with my student collaborators. I don't want to live in fear that I won't be able to do what I love simply because I don't speak in the same "language" as many of my counterparts. As stated in a Scientific American article published late last year:

"Scientific inquiry is surely at stake, said Mary Anne Holmes, a mineralogist at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln and former president of the Association for Women Geoscientists. "Women may have a different way of asking questions about the science and communicating the consequences," Holmes said.

Studies have shown that groups make better choices when group members have diverse experiences and points of view, Holmes noted. It's not that women look at the data and see some big feminine question that's not being asked or that men don't ask good questions, she added. Men "just don't ask all the questions."

And it's funny how, when I start talking about this stuff around my male colleagues, I see a lot of eye rolling. Their perspective on this is different, and I end up feeling like a whiner.

2. Tired. I slept all day. This last work trip was an exhausting one: we were pulling long shifts, some of which went through the night. I felt fine while I was there, but as soon as I took my seat on the flight home yesterday, I felt like I'd been hit with a brick. I still do.

3. I'm going to write a post about my attempts at vegan living on the road. The upshot of it is that although I could have done it, I broke down when I discovered a well-stocked candy drawer during my midnight lab sessions. Fun-size Milky Ways taste so. damn. good. when you're exhausted and bored. And once the sugar hit my system, it was allllll over. I singlehandedly decimated that candy supply.

4. Diet. I tracked my calories until right around the time I started inhaling chocolate. Then I decided to "take a break." I'm confident I can get back on track now that I'm home.

5. Press pause. Can I do that right now? Press pause on life and take a time out? Preferably on a sunny beach with an alcoholic beverage? I'd like to.

Blue skies, finally

Today was the first continuously sunny day in more than a week. After being scoured by so much rain, sleet, and more rain, the sky was a brilliant, crisp blue. I decided to be a bad graduate student and skip school (and traffic). (In my defense, I've put in a lot of work this week, gone in early and stayed late, and submitted abstracts and manuscript drafts, so I decided playing hooky was okay.) On my day off, I...

...went to an Xtend Barre class at the decadently late hour of 9 a.m.

...decided to enjoy the sun by going to the park and jogging. I'm not sure where I mustered up the energy, but I managed to run four miles with negative splits, with my slowest mile being 9:28 and my fastest being 9:05. Those are good times for me, especially considering that I never felt like I was going all out.

Evidence of a gorgeous day.

...went on a coffee/hummus date with my husband at a new cafe in town:

The coffee was Panama something-or-other,

and it was amazing.

...borrowed some books from the library, including the new biography of David Foster Wallace.

...did some laundry.

...did not clean my house.

Re: that last one. It's funny how memories that once seemed insignificant - like, why have I remembered it all these years? What was the purpose in hanging onto it? - sometimes take on greater meaning. One such memory is of going to my first best friend's house to play. The place was always a complete disaster area: toys everywhere, sticky countertops, pet fur covering the couches, dust all over the floor. Even as a six-year-old, I noticed the disarray. But it was always so much fun. We let our imaginations run wild building stuff, coloring, moving toys from one room to another, going from inside to outside to inside to outside. Unlike my other friends' moms, she wasn't one to chase after us with broom, dustpan, vacuum cleaner, and annoyed tone. Instead, she was usually reading or writing or cooking or doing something for herself. She seemed to have her own life. I remember feeling really free and relaxed there, knowing that as long as we didn't fight or say/do anything inappropriate, no-one was going to yell at us.

Even with just one kid, it's hard to keep our place clean, and I try far less to do so than I used to. There are legos under pretty much every piece of furniture and Kindergarten artwork on almost every wall. Our ottoman is falling apart, and our couch has a three-inch gash in the cushion. My son's room looks - to me - like a mess, though he assures me that it is actually a house with its own kitchen, bedroom, and art center.

It's not a total pit. It's not dirty. It's just messy and lived-in. Well loved, well used. Nothing like a Pottery Barn ad. I could clean for 18 hours a day and my son could still undo it in a matter of minutes. 

Sometimes I wish it were cleaner (I'm type A: messes of any kind make me at least a little anxious) but then I remember my friends' house and I feel better. That feeling I had when I was there is the feeling I want him to have at home. Freedom to just be a kid and not worry about how an emptied toy box might affect the adult's psyche.

Home Again; Vegan Challenge, Days 1 and 2

I'm home, I'm home! I'm so happy to be home. This trip to California felt really long, even though it was similar in length to other trips I've taken. While I did appreciate the opportunity to gather some much-needed data for my dissertation research, and while I definitely appreciated the opportunity to hang out in such a lovely place, it seemed like I was gone for a month, not 12 days.

Overall, it was a good trip. I never felt overly lonely, and I was able to go out, run, and enjoy the fresh air quite often. I also indulged in activities that are more difficult when I'm home with an active five-year-old - namely, eating dinner in bed while watching Sister Wives and Catfish uninterrupted. There's something to be said for that.

But I missed my little man, and my husband, and now that I'm back, our holiday can actually start. 

*  *  *

I'm on Day 3 of the 30 Day Vegan Challenge. So far, so good. Days 1 and 2 involved some creative meal planning using food from the motel's free breakfast (coffee, juice, cereal, granola bars), quick-cook meals from Trader Joe's, and a pomelo that took me approximately 24 minutes to peel (I was feeling ambitious and adventurous with that one; in the end, it tasted okay).

Something I've learned so far: I do not like soy yogurt. At all. Too gluey, and it tastes like... pasty beans. Not my thing. But this heat-and-serve rice noodle soup with edamame crackers was easy and yummy.

The highlight of Day 2 was a stop at the Mariposa Baking Company in San Francisco's Ferry Building. MBC makes entirely gluten-free breads and goodies. It was on the way to the airport, so I got off the BART at Embarcadero, indulged, and then headed to SFO with a full, happy belly.

Drool, drool, drool:

Everything was gluten free, of course, but a lot of it was also vegan. For lunch, I ordered the vegan empanadas with a side salad (complete with GF croutons):

PERFECTION. The curry filling consisted of potatoes, tomatoes, and Indian spices:

And... I also splurged on a carton of Penguinos, which are akin to (and probably inspired by) the cream-filled Hostess chocolate cupcakes - but even more moist and delicious. 

*  *  *

Plans for the day include:

-Continuing to lay around in my pajamas

-Going downtown to select our yearly family ornaments (we pick a couple nice ones for Christmas every year)

-Doing laundry. Maybe.

-Resting my knee, which was SUPER sore on the plane yesterday. It felt fine when I did my pre-flight run in Berkeley in the morning, but by the third leg of the flight, it ached a lot.

Forced rest and spicy carrot-bean-garlic soup

Every now and then, it's almost a relief to be well and truly flattened by a seasonal illness - because then I am forced to slow down, regardless of all the things I think I need to do or how far behind I think I'm getting or what a lackluster parent I think I'm being. A minor cold, random stomach issues, a persistent cough - I can work around those things, even if I feel really bad. It's only when I can't get out of bed that I have no choice but to stop and give in.

Wednesday morning, my nose was runny and my eyes were watery, but ragweed levels in our area were high, so I thought that was the culprit. I took some allergy meds and waited to feel better. Nothing happened. Wednesday afternoon, I started coughing. Wednesday night, I felt feverish.

Thursday morning, I stayed home from work and went in only to teach a lab. I thought about asking my advisor (who teaches the lecture counterpart of the course) to take over for me, but he's not one for excuses. Being that I was upright and could drive, I figured he wouldn't be all that sympathetic. During lab I was so wrecked that I wanted to crawl under a table and take a nap, but the students in the class were so pleasantly determined, enthusiastic, and interested in what was an admittedly challenging set of activities that I rallied and tried to meet their level of energy. Did that happen? Not exactly. I sensed that they were taking some pity on me. I must have looked like roadkill by that point.

I slept for a total of maybe three hours on Thursday night and by sunrise I could barely sit up in bed. I ended up working from home and took frequent rest/nap breaks. Normally I'd feel guilty for not going to work, but I realized that I was in absolutely no shape to get behind the wheel, drive 20 minutes on the highway, and communicate with people in a functional manner. Plus I would have passed on this flu to my colleagues.

I'm still feeling exhausted today. I'm also dizzy, but I think that has more to do with me forgetting to take my Zoloft yesterday and this morning (classic symptom of antidepressant withdrawal, according to The Google). Hopefully I'll continue on this upswing and be ready to get back to work, running, and more energetic mothering come Monday morning.

All that said? It does drive me crazy to not be able to do what I want to do, especially run. But I know from past experience that if I try to run while I'm still congested, this thing is just going to drag on.

I did have enough energy to make something yummy and healthy for today's lunch: a spicy carrot-bean-garlic soup. It's a spinoff on one of Marlow's recipes over at Gluten Hates Me (I love that blog - go check it out, even if gluten loves you. She has great recipes.)

I heated oil in a saute pan and added 1/4 an onion and two cloves of garlic. When they were soft (~5 minutes), I added a few handfuls of chopped spinach, a can of garbanzo beans, and ~1/4 cup black beans, stirring occasionally until they were warm.

I also added several dashes of cayenne. Anything to help clear my sinuses.

Once the bean/spinach mixture was hot, I poured in one box of Trader Joe's carrot-ginger soup and let the whole concoction simmer on medium heat until it was steaming. I LOVE this soup. It's delicious - tasty, but not salty or overpoweringly ginger-y.

The result:

I've already had three bowls. Moderation is not my strong suit. But then again, don't they say to feed an illness? I can handle that.

While recovering, I'm reading triathlete Chrissie Wellington's book A Life Without Limits. It is truly inspiring. Of the three running-related books I read this summer - the others being those by Rich Roll and Scott Jurek - I think this is my favorite. Although it's about her life and accomplishments, it's also clearly about the reader. It's making me think about my own perceived limits and the importance of testing them, seeing how far back I can push them.

Her take on rest and recovery: "The idea of rest flies in the face of every value I have lived my life by. I should be the last person to preach downtime, having indulged in so little of it during my life before triathlon, but I am fully converted now. I realize it is not the actual sessions of swim, bike and run that make you fitter, it is the periods you spend recovering in between, during which your body adapts and regenerates. That's why I say I train 24/7 - recovery is training. It's the most important part of it, in fact."

Well okay then. If Chrissie says so, I will go back to sitting on the couch.

Sickie sick

I'm not sure if this is related to the workout-palooza I've been on for the past couple weeks, the start of school and the bringing together of lots of different germs, or my ragweed allergy (likely some combination), but I feel like crap. Stuffy nose. Inflamed sinuses. Watery eyes. Sore throat. Postnasal drip. Yum. Skipped Xtend Barre last night, skipped running group this morning, probably won't work out at all today.

Favorite books of the summer

I'm surprised by how much I've read this summer. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE to read, but I'm an awfully picky reader and it's hard for me to find books that I can't put down. Plus, I don't usually have a lot of extra time, so if I'm not into a book, if it's something that I'm only halfhearted about, I usually don't finish it. I hit the jackpot this year, though.

My favorites of summer 2012:

Inspiring biographies:

1. Finding Ultra by Rich Roll: I read the entire thing in nearly one sitting. It was well-written, informative, and inspiring. There's an element of "regular-guy-discovers-the-superhero-within" here that I found irresistable. If you are into running (of ANY distance or speed), and/or if you're interested in veganism, you'll probably enjoy this.

2. Eat and Run by Scott Jurek: Similar in content to Finding Ultra (emphasis on running and veganism), but the writing is a little choppier and less descriptive. Plus, although the title proclaims that Jurek had an "unlikely journey to ultramarathon greatness," given his talent, I'm not sure how unlikely it really was. Nevertheless, it's an interesting biography of how Jurek became one of the world's best ultrarunners. It also offers vegan recipes. And Jurek is clearly a very sincere, hard-working person.

3. Heaven is Here by Stephanie Nielson: Stephanie Nielson, author of the blog "NieNie Dialogues," writes about life before and after a horrific plane crash in which both she and her husband were terribly burned. The book is well-written and - something I particularly appreciated - honest. Nielson expresses a strong faith and resiliency, but she doesn't sugarcoat the hardships associated with recovering from a traumatic accident.

Also, unlike some other books I've read that are authored by bloggers, this one is not simply a collection of recycled blog content. It's a cohesive, thoughtful, fresh synthesis of events that Nielson has touched upon on her blog but didn't explore in this much detail.

4. Driving with Dead People by Monica Holloway: I LOVED this memoir. It was so well written, so engaging, so truthful. It was also incredibly disturbing because it's about an adult coming to terms with child abuse. How Holloway coped with that, how she survived and dealt with brutal betrayal and trauma, is inspiring.

Psychological thrillers:

5. Gone Girl, Sharp Objects, and Dark Places by Gillian Flynn: I read Gone Girl and found it compelling. The approach to the storyline was different from anything else I'd seen, though I wasn't as surprised by the ending as I hoped I might be. Still, I took to Flynn's writing (once I find a voice I like, I tend to read all of that author's work before turning to something new), and followed up with Sharp Objects. That ended up being my favorite of the three. Dark Places was also good, though I wasn't as into it as I was the other two.

Slightly frivolous chick-lit stories that are perfect for long flights:

6. Can I Get an Amen? by Sarah Healy: Sort-of Christian woman is abandoned by her husband, moves back in with her ultra-Christian parents, and tries to navigate a new life. I was skeptical about this one, but what impressed me about it was the way that the author manages to speak to both Christians and non-Christians without alienating anyone. It's modern, non-preachy, and it doesn't stereotype. (Side note: I am not a Christian and the thought of going to church gives me the hives. But I thought the author did an amazing job of reaching out to people regardless of their beliefs.)

7. Where We Belong by Emily Giffin: Total chick-lit, but if you've read any of her other novels, this one is comforting in its familiar tone and topics. It's about two people who, having been separated for 18 years, meet again - and the repercussions/outcomes of that reunion.

What about you? Do you have any favorite books you've read recently?

Exhaustion, and week in review

I am just plain tuckered out! I decided to run last night, do a fitness class this morning, and then run again right after the class. Now I want to sleep the afternoon away (which... with a five-year-old? Is a total pipe dream) and eat.

*   *   *
Things about last week that stand out:

• My son's first day of Kindergarten! I'm so proud of him and hope that this year will be a wonderful experience.
• Going to, and making a sincere effort to keep up with, a new barre class (even though I am, physically speaking, the anti-ballerina)
• Getting my fall schedule figured out
• Beautiful weather with some much-needed rain mixed in
• Keeping up with my goal to drink ~64 ounces of water every day
• Cooking something new (chickpea patties - yum)
• Mood: Pretty upbeat overall

Things I'm looking forward to:

• Date night with my husband
• My two closest friends from school finally returning from their looooong summer field seasons in exotic areas of the world (Iceland and New Zealand) 
• Another relatively relaxing, work-free day tomorrow

Things I'm grateful for:

• My sweet, smart, energetic, creative, affectionate little boy 
• My laid-back husband, who doesn't always understand me but unconditionally accepts me
• The best, most supportive, most energetic dissertation advisor ever - we butt heads sometimes, but I can't imagine a better mentor
• Time for relaxation
• Amazing opportunities - school, travel, free public education for my child, good health, employment
• The capacity, freedom, and opportunity to make changes, and people who are willing to help me as I strive to do so

I like this: "Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world." - John Milton

What about you? What are you grateful for?

Weekend in pictures and a documentary recommendation

This was a great, lazy, relaxed weekend. Again, I'm so glad to be home. I'm so glad that I didn't have anything scheduled. And I'm very, very, VERY glad the weather was so beautiful, because it meant I got to spend a lot of time sitting out on my patio without melting.

This weekend I...

Went running: outside on Saturday and on the treadmill today (26 minute higher-intensity workout consisting of 3 minutes of walking, 20 minutes of >5K pace, 3 more minutes of walking)

Ate a lot. My son and I made cookies, as planned:

On Saturday I made a delicious dinner salad with romaine and spinach, mandarin oranges, cucumber, almonds, plums, cherries, tomatoes, carrots, and avocado:

I dug through 3/4 of this evil gluten-free cereal that my husband purchased for me. It's like crack. I can never allow him to purchase it ever, ever again.

Played with my son. We spent some time with Play-doh...

...then decided to ramp up the excitement by going outside with a bunch of different foods to see what ants prefer to eat. According to our very scientific study, they love chocolate chip cookies and American cheese, but aren't all that fond of carrots:

(All those little dark specks on the cookie are ants.)

 We also found this guy while we were experimenting:

Drank wine. Outside. 

Watched two documentaries (I love documentaries): Home and Triage. "Home" was interesting but left me feeling incredibly frustrated/maybe a little outraged at the woman who "starred" in it. "Triage" was painful to watch but important in sending out a reminder that we're all united by the human condition. I highly highly highly recommend it.

"It’s not about creating the perfect future. it is about responding to another human being who is suffering in a very particular way, and responding to them in a very particular way. With the expectation that that is the starting point of what we are as human beings.” - James Orbinski, Triage

Mini-Vacation, Days 1 and 2

• Went running with my husband on a well-shaded bike path while my in-laws watched our son. 4.5 miles both days. Difficult. Muggy. Awesome.

• Lemon italian ice outside at dusk. Delicious.

• Beach this morning. My son and I made sandcastles while my husband and in-laws swam. It was really hot, but I'm glad we went because my son was so thrilled to see the ocean. One of my favorite things about being a parent is watching him become totally engrossed in something he's doing, in this case making sand towers and then clapping and squealing as they were knocked down by waves.

• Rum-laced tropical smoothies and delicious salad for dinner.

• 1/4 of the way into a poorly-written book that I can't put down. Best read while sitting in front of an air conditioner or fan because... whew... My husband asked how this is different from the cheap romance novels they sell at the grocery store and why this book is so popular. I don't know, because I've never read those romance novels, but I will say that I think people are generally fascinated when "fringe activities" are brought into the mainstream. And hey, as it turns out, it looks like a lot of people are sort of into those fringe activities... or at least they want to be...

Petals on wet, blotchy concrete

Ever since freshman poetry, one of my favorite poems is "In a Station at the Metro" by Ezra Pound:

The apparition of these faces in the crowd;
Petals on a wet, black bough

Now whenever I see pink petals, I automatically think of that second line.

It rained this evening, unexpectedly, and the rain brought down a hail of blooms from the tree next door. For a couple of minutes, it looked like it was snowing. Pink snow.

*  *  *
I feel better today, which should come as no surprise because I always eventually feel better. But whenever I'm feeling depressed - even if it's for a very short time - there's part of me that is utterly convinced that I will always be stuck in that heavy, dark place. It's like an emotional nausea. I think I'm finally getting to the point where I can tell myself that it's going to get better soon, even if I don't entirely believe it.

Tomorrow my little family is going on a mini-vacation. Nothing fancy, but I'm really looking forward to it. I got my work done today and mentally checked out the second I left the building.

Last two days

Thursday: Didn't run. Was exhausted from school and my one-hour-each-way commute. By the end of last semester, I was so accustomed to the drive that it didn't affect my energy levels, but after my relaxing one-month, no-commute break, I guess I need to get reacclimated.

(We bought our house before I even thought about going back to school. Of course, now we can't sell said house because the market sucks. I daydream about renting closer to the city and walking to my department every day - but I don't think it's going to happen.)

Friday: Was exhausted from school and my one-hour-each-way commute. I did manage to walk four miles on the treadmill after my husband and son had gone to bed. Running felt out of the question. Usually, I quickly get bored of walking, but last night I really enjoyed it and didn't push myself to ramp up my speed. While I walked, I listened to music and read a book.

Plan for today: Run/jog four miles, maybe five if I want to exceed last week's total.

Friday's mileage: 4 miles
Weekly mileage: 17.3 miles
Cumulative total: 38.7 miles