Update: Low, tired, vegan-on-the-road, diet. Pause.

1. Low. In the past week, a couple of situations with my advisor have left me feeling crushed, frustrated, and stupid. Based on what I've heard from other people about the final years of a Ph.D. program, this is par for the course. But it sucks.

I love what I do so much, and yet it feels like such an uphill battle because subtle sexism is rampant. Moreover, many of these men don't even know they're doing it, so it's tough for them to recognize the problem, much less change their communication tactics.

I don't want to be treated like a little girl. I don't want condescending lectures about stuff I already know and know well. I am GOOD at what I do - in the field, in the lab, AND in the classroom. I have something to offer! All I want is to be able to contribute to my scientific community and share my passion for science with my student collaborators. I don't want to live in fear that I won't be able to do what I love simply because I don't speak in the same "language" as many of my counterparts. As stated in a Scientific American article published late last year:

"Scientific inquiry is surely at stake, said Mary Anne Holmes, a mineralogist at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln and former president of the Association for Women Geoscientists. "Women may have a different way of asking questions about the science and communicating the consequences," Holmes said.

Studies have shown that groups make better choices when group members have diverse experiences and points of view, Holmes noted. It's not that women look at the data and see some big feminine question that's not being asked or that men don't ask good questions, she added. Men "just don't ask all the questions."

And it's funny how, when I start talking about this stuff around my male colleagues, I see a lot of eye rolling. Their perspective on this is different, and I end up feeling like a whiner.

2. Tired. I slept all day. This last work trip was an exhausting one: we were pulling long shifts, some of which went through the night. I felt fine while I was there, but as soon as I took my seat on the flight home yesterday, I felt like I'd been hit with a brick. I still do.

3. I'm going to write a post about my attempts at vegan living on the road. The upshot of it is that although I could have done it, I broke down when I discovered a well-stocked candy drawer during my midnight lab sessions. Fun-size Milky Ways taste so. damn. good. when you're exhausted and bored. And once the sugar hit my system, it was allllll over. I singlehandedly decimated that candy supply.

4. Diet. I tracked my calories until right around the time I started inhaling chocolate. Then I decided to "take a break." I'm confident I can get back on track now that I'm home.

5. Press pause. Can I do that right now? Press pause on life and take a time out? Preferably on a sunny beach with an alcoholic beverage? I'd like to.

So tired

It's only Monday, but I feel like I'm ready for another weekend. I'm exhausted. After getting stuck in traffic at 4 p.m. and inching home through a wintry mix of sleet, snow, and rain, I saw my bed and crashed. Napped for an hour. Now I'm dazed and totally unrefreshed.

Next time we move, I am living within walking distance of my workplace. End of story. I'm over commuting.

Things have been stressful at school. There's a lot going on in our labs, and people seem a bit on edge. I've been thinking more about my job search, which will start later this year oh.my.god. It's totally overwhelming. Grad school is going by so incredibly quickly and soon I'll be out there, outside of the little think tank cocoon I've been in for the past three years. Sometimes I feel like I don't really know what I'm doing. I suppose that's normal... Fake it 'til you make it and all.

I'm a little worried that I'm slightly anemic, despite my efforts to eat leafy greens and fortified cereals.

I'm a little worried that the dreary weather is getting to me.

I'm a little worried that I'm biting off more than I can chew.

And I really wish I could go back to the beach right now.

Home Again; Vegan Challenge, Days 1 and 2

I'm home, I'm home! I'm so happy to be home. This trip to California felt really long, even though it was similar in length to other trips I've taken. While I did appreciate the opportunity to gather some much-needed data for my dissertation research, and while I definitely appreciated the opportunity to hang out in such a lovely place, it seemed like I was gone for a month, not 12 days.

Overall, it was a good trip. I never felt overly lonely, and I was able to go out, run, and enjoy the fresh air quite often. I also indulged in activities that are more difficult when I'm home with an active five-year-old - namely, eating dinner in bed while watching Sister Wives and Catfish uninterrupted. There's something to be said for that.

But I missed my little man, and my husband, and now that I'm back, our holiday can actually start. 

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I'm on Day 3 of the 30 Day Vegan Challenge. So far, so good. Days 1 and 2 involved some creative meal planning using food from the motel's free breakfast (coffee, juice, cereal, granola bars), quick-cook meals from Trader Joe's, and a pomelo that took me approximately 24 minutes to peel (I was feeling ambitious and adventurous with that one; in the end, it tasted okay).

Something I've learned so far: I do not like soy yogurt. At all. Too gluey, and it tastes like... pasty beans. Not my thing. But this heat-and-serve rice noodle soup with edamame crackers was easy and yummy.

The highlight of Day 2 was a stop at the Mariposa Baking Company in San Francisco's Ferry Building. MBC makes entirely gluten-free breads and goodies. It was on the way to the airport, so I got off the BART at Embarcadero, indulged, and then headed to SFO with a full, happy belly.

Drool, drool, drool:

Everything was gluten free, of course, but a lot of it was also vegan. For lunch, I ordered the vegan empanadas with a side salad (complete with GF croutons):

PERFECTION. The curry filling consisted of potatoes, tomatoes, and Indian spices:

And... I also splurged on a carton of Penguinos, which are akin to (and probably inspired by) the cream-filled Hostess chocolate cupcakes - but even more moist and delicious. 

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Plans for the day include:

-Continuing to lay around in my pajamas

-Going downtown to select our yearly family ornaments (we pick a couple nice ones for Christmas every year)

-Doing laundry. Maybe.

-Resting my knee, which was SUPER sore on the plane yesterday. It felt fine when I did my pre-flight run in Berkeley in the morning, but by the third leg of the flight, it ached a lot.

Re-establishing the gluten-free habit

I got glutened this past weekend during a camping trip for a class that I'm teaching. Or rather, I glutened myself, which is a much more accurate way of putting it. And I have felt unwell ever since.

We were in a rural area with few food options. We made a delicious, GF (gluten free) camp meal the night we arrived, but I'd forgotten to bring lunch or any truly substantial snacks for the next day. We got up early and drove from stop to stop, and I quickly felt my stomach begin to gnaw on itself. I had an apple handy, and a Larabar, but these were no match for the bottomless, insatiable pit that is my stomach.

By lunchtime I was beginning to feel dizzy and cranky. I could feel the hangriness coming on. So when we stopped at McDonald's (don't ask, not my choice but the only restaurant option where we were), I threw caution to the wind and ordered a snack wrap, fries, and a soda.

Thing is, I've started to wonder recently just how intolerant I actually am to gluten. I've never been officially tested for Celiac disease. After three years of following a GF lifestyle, I've been thinking that perhaps I made the whole thing up just to ride along on the now-crowded GF bandwagon. And I decided to test that hypothesis at a notoriously unhealthy fast food joint... while hundreds of miles from home... during a trip where I was responsible for driving and relaying information to 20 students.

Did I mention that I washed down my lunch with a pack of peanut M&Ms?

Clearly it wasn't just the gluten - McD's is probably tough on even the hardiest stomachs - but I now recall WHY I went GF in the first place. Part of it is the whole bathroom situation. It's partly the really odd, inappropriate gurgling sounds reverberating throughout my belly. Part of it is the fatigue. But another big part - the part I'd completely forgotten - is the feeling that my abdomen is swollen. It's like my insides are sore and inflamed. It's unnerving, and it can last for several days.

I haven't been eating all that well for about a month now. Training for a marathon means that I am hungry all the time, and I've been traveling a lot, which means that I've relied fairly heavily on high-sodium restaurant food and "healthy" snacks from gas stations and airport kiosks. Seeing friends whom I haven't seen in a long time at conferences means that occasionally I've consumed more alcohol than I normally would. So even without the gluten, my digestive system has been suffering. This was just the final blow.

But I'm back on the GF track now, and I'm going to be very careful - especially in these weeks before the marathon - to eat what I know my body likes. Also, I'm going to have to be more diligent about preparing myself for situations where healthy food options might not be readily at hand.

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Tonight my son and I made brownies for his school's bake sale tomorrow. They're gluten free, dairy free, and oil free, and based on the little nibble I had, they're pretty darn good. I hope they sell.

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The marathon is a week from Sunday! I'm so excited. As the event approaches, I'm sure I'll also feel a bit nervous. But mainly I am looking forward to being in Florida with my family and tackling this challenge with my friend.

Tuesday Four (I couldn't think of a fifth)

1. I would like a vacation. Something involving skiing, a beach (not sure it's possible to have both, but that's what I'd like), a massage (or several), good but unpretentious food, sleeping in under a light down comforter, and no work. This will not happen unless a fairy godmother or Oprah ("YOU get a car and YOU get a car and YOU get a car...!") steps in.

2. I'm feeling low. Hopefully it's because a) I'm tired from the long run this past weekend, b) I have PMS, and/or c) I've been too busy for my own good, and not because depression is sneaking its way back in. I'm keeping my guard up, just in case. I suspect some of it has to do with the shorter days. I LOVE summer, when daylight lasts past 8 p.m. I feel suffocated when it gets dark at 5 or 6 p.m.

3. Did I mention that I would like a vacation?

Oprah? Can you hear me?

(Anyone else with me on this?)

4. Ever since I started doing Xtend Barre, I find myself releve-ing and plie-ing when no-one is looking. And pointing my toes.

Jetlagged

I got home almost a week ago, and my waking/sleeping schedule is still off. I keep waking up bright eyed and bushy tailed at 5 a.m. (not like me) and by 8:15 p.m., I'm falling asleep (not like me). One evening I fell asleep standing up.

This wouldn't really be a problem - because I've actually been quite productive during the day, and I have time in the morning to eat/drink/etc. prior to running - except that I haven't spent much time with my husband. Usually we put our son to bed, talk, have a glass of wine or a beer, and watch an episode or two of Breaking Bad. But I can't get through five minutes of that show right now. We're so far behind.

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Tomorrow's the 18 miler. I won't lie: I'm a bit nervous. My main concern is my legs. They were cramping pretty badly by the end of the 15-mile run, and I'm not sure how to prevent that from happening again other than conscientiously drink fluids along the way.

I feel like my RF has higher expectations of us than I do. Personally, I really don't care how we get through these long runs as long as we get through them. Walking is fine. Stopping for refreshments is fine. But she seems pretty determined to run run run the whole way. Part of me is a little concerned that I'm going to disappoint her, but I also feel like we need to treat the marathon a little differently from, say, a 10K. The expectation this time around should be to finish, period.

I've made loads of improvement in my speed since starting to run with RF, so I can't complain. She's great. But she is also a faster and more natural runner than I am. She is long, lean, and gazelle-like. I am short, stockier, and built more like... well, like not a gazelle. Sometimes I worry that she will get frustrated by my inability to keep up.
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At any rate. 18 miles tomorrow, and it WILL get done! And we WILL have a relatively good time.

It's true.

Summer is really over.

I know because my son has started school.

I know because traffic jams are now the rule rather than the exception.

I know because I am tired all. the. time, regardless of how much sleep I get.

My fall schedule isn't *that* different from my summer schedule. I'm not taking any classes, and I do have leeway in terms of when I arrive at and leave work. But it's just not the same. Traffic has picked up, my commute has slowed, I have teaching and grading to do (which is fine; I enjoy working with my students, but it adds another element of responsibility/obligation), and campus is buzzing with people, noise, energy. Mentally, I feel more... closed in. Not as free. And I'm exhausted.

I want my lazy, carefree summer back. It was too short. Way, way too short. That whole thing about time going faster as you get older? It's totally true, and it totally freaks me out.

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Tomorrow, workout double-header: Run early in the morning with my running group, and then Xtend Barre in the evening after school. Whew.

Mini-Vacation (Days 3 and 4): Feeling Off

My emotions are so roller coaster-like, even now that I am on an antidepressant and my moods don't fluctuate as wildly as they used to.

Yesterday and today, I struggled. I felt (feel) irritable, distant, spacey, annoyed at silly things, frustrated, unable to snap out of it... I want to be able to enjoy this getaway, but it's hard to do that when I'm overwhelmed.

I'm pretty sure that what has triggered these feelings is the book I've been reading. I thought maybe it could just be a fun, silly, frivolous, tantalizing thing to read. I should know better. Those topics and the explicit nature in which they are described are too close to home. Way too close. I knew I should put it down and walk away, and I didn't.

It's a lot like the times when I have self-harmed (something that's a bit hard to admit, and something I am working to avoid, but there it is). When I do it, it seems necessary. I think about it compulsively until I do it, and at that point it either feels good or I'm so blank that I feel nothing. At first it doesn't seem like a big deal. It's later - usually days later - that I start feeling like crap. At that point it's like a suffocating weight settles over my mind, and I have to ride it out until one day I wake up and it's no longer there.

So anyway. Reading this book was not a good idea. I'm trying to distract myself, and I'm hoping this panicked, strangling sensation will dissipate soon.

Caramelizing

This morning I felt perfectly fine. I felt normal. I felt composed, calm, and focused. Now I feel awful: spaced out, tired, sad. Depressed. Unsure of myself, of my identity. The shift happened sometime during therapy today. I could feel it happening, but I still don't know why. It was basically 50 minutes of silence and staring at the carpet punctuated by the occasional attempt to say something and making no sense whatsoever. It's frustrating to be drowning in these incredible, breathtaking waves of deep emotion and have no idea where they're coming from.

There is absolutely nothing in my life right now to feel sad about. I feel guilty for letting myself get this way; other people have far more reasons than I do to feel down. But trying to badger myself into pulling it together never works.

I have learned that the healthiest way for me to deal with this - because it happens a lot - is to just hang on tight and ride it out, and try to find some sort of non-self-destructive distraction.

Right now my distraction is fennel and onions. I'm caramelizing them. For some reason, that's always comforting. I watch them slowly, slowly, slowly turn brown and sticky and sweet. I occasionally stir them around, but not too often. Caramelizing is about patience and walking away for a while and trusting that if you simply keep going, what's supposed to happen will eventually happen.

Tired but treading

Managed to run 3.2 miles today. I started at a speed of 5.0 and ramped it up by 0.1 every 1.5 minutes. It was challenging. I think I could have easily managed it during break, but because I worked out in the evening after a long day, my energy was pretty depleted. But I did it!

Monday's mileage: 3.2 miles
Week 3 mileage: 6.7 miles
Cumulative total: 50.4 miles (halfway there!)

Funny - some people run 50 miles in a single day, and here I am all proud that I managed to do it in two weeks. :-)

Tomorrow's a day off. I have to drive across the state to get some lab work done, and it'll probably be pretty late by the time we get home.

Human vacuum cleaner

I'm so hungry. I've already had dinner (tuna and rice - two servings) and some potato chips, and I still feel famished. So I'm making a snack of cinnamon toast, in lieu of chocolate. :-/ Obviously this is not a low-calorie day.

I wanted to get up early and run, but that didn't happen. Did I mention that I am NOT a morning person? Instead, I waited until after work. Big mistake. I might feel more tired in the morning, but the reality is that my body is more tuckered out in the evening. I need to MAKE myself get up early! But I like to stay up late! It's a dilemma.

At any rate, I walked/ran four (arduous, not that fun) miles - 3.5 miles of running at 5.4-5.6, and about 0.5 miles of walking. I had to play mental games to keep going... If you run for just TWO MORE MINUTES, you can walk!

Today's mileage: 4 miles
Weekly mileage: 13.3 miles
Cumulative total: 34.7 miles (a third of the way there!)

Already exhausted

Today I ushered in my first official day of the new semester. If there's anything more overwhelming than the end of the semester, it's the beginning. I look at all of my classes and syllabi and responsibilities, and I wonder how I am going to successfully make it through the next 3.5 months.

I decided to make this a rest day, but in actuality I walked a total of 2 miles on and around campus. I'm including that in my total.

Today's mileage: 2 miles
Weekly mileage: 9.3 miles
Cumulative total: 30.7 miles

I plan to get up early tomorrow to run for at least 30 minutes. We'll see if that actually happens. The problem is that I detest getting up even earlier than I have to, but by the time I get home, I have no energy to work out. It's morning or nothing.