Update: Low, tired, vegan-on-the-road, diet. Pause.

1. Low. In the past week, a couple of situations with my advisor have left me feeling crushed, frustrated, and stupid. Based on what I've heard from other people about the final years of a Ph.D. program, this is par for the course. But it sucks.

I love what I do so much, and yet it feels like such an uphill battle because subtle sexism is rampant. Moreover, many of these men don't even know they're doing it, so it's tough for them to recognize the problem, much less change their communication tactics.

I don't want to be treated like a little girl. I don't want condescending lectures about stuff I already know and know well. I am GOOD at what I do - in the field, in the lab, AND in the classroom. I have something to offer! All I want is to be able to contribute to my scientific community and share my passion for science with my student collaborators. I don't want to live in fear that I won't be able to do what I love simply because I don't speak in the same "language" as many of my counterparts. As stated in a Scientific American article published late last year:

"Scientific inquiry is surely at stake, said Mary Anne Holmes, a mineralogist at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln and former president of the Association for Women Geoscientists. "Women may have a different way of asking questions about the science and communicating the consequences," Holmes said.

Studies have shown that groups make better choices when group members have diverse experiences and points of view, Holmes noted. It's not that women look at the data and see some big feminine question that's not being asked or that men don't ask good questions, she added. Men "just don't ask all the questions."

And it's funny how, when I start talking about this stuff around my male colleagues, I see a lot of eye rolling. Their perspective on this is different, and I end up feeling like a whiner.

2. Tired. I slept all day. This last work trip was an exhausting one: we were pulling long shifts, some of which went through the night. I felt fine while I was there, but as soon as I took my seat on the flight home yesterday, I felt like I'd been hit with a brick. I still do.

3. I'm going to write a post about my attempts at vegan living on the road. The upshot of it is that although I could have done it, I broke down when I discovered a well-stocked candy drawer during my midnight lab sessions. Fun-size Milky Ways taste so. damn. good. when you're exhausted and bored. And once the sugar hit my system, it was allllll over. I singlehandedly decimated that candy supply.

4. Diet. I tracked my calories until right around the time I started inhaling chocolate. Then I decided to "take a break." I'm confident I can get back on track now that I'm home.

5. Press pause. Can I do that right now? Press pause on life and take a time out? Preferably on a sunny beach with an alcoholic beverage? I'd like to.

Using the Lose It! App

When I adopted a gluten free diet/lifestyle/whatever you want to call it three years ago, I lost 10 pounds without trying. It took me a while to figure out what I could actually eat, and in the interim I spent more time hemming and hawing over food labels than actually eating. (Not really, but that's how I felt.) For my height and body type, that weight loss was healthy. I felt great. I thought I'd found my "new normal."

But as I discovered when I made a first-time-in-months trip to the scale over the holidays, I've regained most of that weight. Part of it is possibly due to Zoloft: weight gain is a common side effect of it and many other antidepressants. Part of it is more likely due to the fact that I have more food options now than I used to (including processed foods, thanks to the uptick in gluten free snack production). School has become less stressful in the last few months, meaning that I no longer forget to eat on a regular basis. And I consume quite a bit of rice and rice products. Rice is a calorie-dense food; a little goes a long way. It's also possible that I've gained some muscle mass via the Xtend Barre workouts. That's fine - I'll take that muscle - but given that my jeans have become tighter, too, I'm guessing it's not all muscle.

So I decided to pay closer attention to what I eat - and more importantly, how much I eat - and lose those 10 pounds. To do that, I enlisted the help of a free phone app called Lose It!

Basically, the Lose It! app allows you to track your food consumption, exercise, and weight loss on your phone. You start by setting a goal. I decided on a goal of 1/2 a pound per week for a total of 11 pounds. The program calculates a daily calorie goal:

Then you just log your food every day. You can either use the search engine, OR you can use your phone to scan the bar codes on food packaging. The program will automatically pull the nutritional information from the bar code and save it! Isn't that cool?

You can label each food as breakfast, lunch, dinner, or snack. The program tallies the calories for each of those categories.

Assuming that all of the nutritional information is logged correctly, you can get a daily breakdown of fats, carbs, and protein:

And then you can track your weight. I've been weighing in every day, just as a motivational tool:

You can also download summaries and reports to Excel:

What I like about this app:

1. It's helped me realize (or re-realize) the importance of serving size. Because I eat foods that are generally healthy, I've gotten into the habit of assuming that if it's healthy, I can have as much of it as I want. But three servings of rice at dinner is about 600 calories, which is a huge chunk of my daily caloric needs. Moderation? What?

2. The bar code scanner is easy to use, and the food search engine is pretty robust. That's nice because I haven't had to spend much time inputting nutritional/calorie information piece by piece. That said, I've noticed that sometimes the scanned nutritional info isn't exactly the same as what's on the packaging, so I double check. Also, the exercise list needs a little fleshing out. Running choices are limited to very specific paces, meaning that I have to round up or down in my estimate of energy burned.

3. The program saves your food choices to a handy personal food library. For instance, I've been eating oatmeal and almond milk for breakfast. My selected serving size is saved along with all of the other information for these foods, so I just have to tap on those selections and press save. No adjustments necessary unless I change the serving size.

4. It's visual. I like being able to go to the "Goals" tab and see the graph. It helps me resist the urge to dive into a bag of chips.

5. It's encouraged me to plan ahead a little more, especially for lunch. I've been assembling my lunch the night before and logging it the morning of. That way, I don't have to stop and do it while at school, and I can make sure I leave enough wiggle room for dinner and snacks.

Overall, I really like it! It feels weird to be focused on my weight in this way, but I think I needed a bit of a wake up call.

Saturday Six; Vegan Days 3-5

1. My family came into town today. One thing that I've noticed since being in therapy, taking antidepressants, and learning how to set boundaries is that I can now handle having my relatives in my home for extended periods of time (and by "extended," I mean six hours or so, tops). This has not always been the case. Used to be that having them here for even half an hour sent me into a tailspin of anxiety, depression, and dissociation. The most important thing for me is not letting them infiltrate my own space: whereas we used to have them stay in our house, we now ask them to stay in a hotel. Although somewhat inconvenient, it works out so much better for everyone.

Confession: as healthy as that all sounds, I was kind of a mess yesterday. When it comes to my family, panic attacks are my autopilot measure.

2. Another confession: while they are in town, we have plenty of libation on hand. Alcohol does serve its purpose at the holidays. I did not learn this in therapy. 

This is one of my favorite inexpensive wines - mostly because it tastes good, but I also do love the label. :-)

3. One of my students from this past semester sent me a hand-written thank you card. My grades have been in for two weeks and she's already received her updated transcript, so it's not like she was doing this to win favors. I have to give her props. Maybe one day I'll make writing personalized thank-you messages a goal; as it is, I'm happy if we manage to get the water bill in the mail.

4. Paper snowflakes: I love them.

5. Today was Day 5 of the 30 Day Vegan Challenge. So far, so good! 

Breakfast: GF granola cereal with almond milk

Snack: Almond milk (!) latte at the new cafe in town... This is the first time I've been to a local place that offers almond milk

Lunch: GF pasta (Trader Joe's brand, which is pretty good) and sauce with an apple on the side

Snack: Orange and a Larabar

Dinner: Sauerkraut with potatoes, green beans, and mushrooms. Sauerkraut: smells stinky, tastes delish, yay for fermented food.

I'm reminded that this whole vegan thing isn't an issue for me as long as I have access to the food I like/need and a way to cook it. I'm not craving meat or dairy so far. In the long run, I think cheese will be the toughest thing: I do love a good stinky cheese.

6. To offset the calorie count: mat Pilates last night (first time doing a bona-fide Pilates class) and an Xtend Barre class today. After two weeks of being away, I'm sore.

Home Again; Vegan Challenge, Days 1 and 2

I'm home, I'm home! I'm so happy to be home. This trip to California felt really long, even though it was similar in length to other trips I've taken. While I did appreciate the opportunity to gather some much-needed data for my dissertation research, and while I definitely appreciated the opportunity to hang out in such a lovely place, it seemed like I was gone for a month, not 12 days.

Overall, it was a good trip. I never felt overly lonely, and I was able to go out, run, and enjoy the fresh air quite often. I also indulged in activities that are more difficult when I'm home with an active five-year-old - namely, eating dinner in bed while watching Sister Wives and Catfish uninterrupted. There's something to be said for that.

But I missed my little man, and my husband, and now that I'm back, our holiday can actually start. 

*  *  *

I'm on Day 3 of the 30 Day Vegan Challenge. So far, so good. Days 1 and 2 involved some creative meal planning using food from the motel's free breakfast (coffee, juice, cereal, granola bars), quick-cook meals from Trader Joe's, and a pomelo that took me approximately 24 minutes to peel (I was feeling ambitious and adventurous with that one; in the end, it tasted okay).

Something I've learned so far: I do not like soy yogurt. At all. Too gluey, and it tastes like... pasty beans. Not my thing. But this heat-and-serve rice noodle soup with edamame crackers was easy and yummy.

The highlight of Day 2 was a stop at the Mariposa Baking Company in San Francisco's Ferry Building. MBC makes entirely gluten-free breads and goodies. It was on the way to the airport, so I got off the BART at Embarcadero, indulged, and then headed to SFO with a full, happy belly.

Drool, drool, drool:

Everything was gluten free, of course, but a lot of it was also vegan. For lunch, I ordered the vegan empanadas with a side salad (complete with GF croutons):

PERFECTION. The curry filling consisted of potatoes, tomatoes, and Indian spices:

And... I also splurged on a carton of Penguinos, which are akin to (and probably inspired by) the cream-filled Hostess chocolate cupcakes - but even more moist and delicious. 

*  *  *

Plans for the day include:

-Continuing to lay around in my pajamas

-Going downtown to select our yearly family ornaments (we pick a couple nice ones for Christmas every year)

-Doing laundry. Maybe.

-Resting my knee, which was SUPER sore on the plane yesterday. It felt fine when I did my pre-flight run in Berkeley in the morning, but by the third leg of the flight, it ached a lot.

This marathon brought to you by NEON

The marathon is on Sunday.

It's Wednesday night. 

This tapering is making me crazy!

I wish I could run it tomorrow - not because I want to get it over with but because I am just so darn excited about this thing. I may not feel that way at mile 22, of course, but I'm pumped about the challenge. Plus, I really want to run. It's weird to go from doing weeks of 40-50 miles to weeks of ~10-15 miles.

This is the Space Coast Marathon, so RF and I have decided to go with a neon theme. Because, you know. Space = aliens. Aliens = neon. Or something. For whatever reason, the neon seems entirely appropriate.

My running outfit is all planned out:

Neon yellow socks.

Bright pink sleeves for the first few miles when it's cold (this thing starts at 6:15 a.m.! I'm going to freeze.)

Neon yellow and pink shirt, which we plan to decorate with neon pink duct tape.

Neon headband.

Neon fingernail polish.

Oh, and shorts. They're not shown here, but not because I plan on running pantless. They're pretty understated and nondescript compared to everything else. I wish I could do more of a costume-type thing, but I've never tried that before, even for a short run. So that'll have to wait until I'm more marathon-savvy.

Now that that's all planned out, I can go back to watching Honey Boo Boo and twiddling my thumbs.

AHHHHH!

Is it normal to feel like a Chihuahua on crack three days out from a marathon? 

Reasons to Run: Breaking Down Barriers

Running has done so much for me - physically, mentally, even spiritually, depending on your definition of spirituality. It's helped me get, and stay, in reasonably good shape. It's been a lifeline when I'm depressed; sometimes it's the only thing that gets me up and on my feet. And it's connected me to a larger community, an inclusive, welcoming community with common values and objectives. It's made me feel less alone.

One goal I have for this blog (assuming I don't fall of the blogging wagon again) is to share the "gospel of running," so to speak. ;-) That may sound a little silly, but I think running is one of many potential catalysts for personal change and growth; it's also one that happens to be relatively inexpensive and doesn't require much equipment. I realize that not everyone wants to run, and that other people use other activities - yoga, climbing, religion, therapy, etc. - as catalysts for change. But it's worth touting running as an option.

One reason I love running is because it breaks down so many internal and external barriers, allowing people to be more real and vulnerable with themselves and one another, and more accepting of differences. For instance:

1) In running, race, religion, sexual orientation, age, country of origin, political beliefs, etc. do not matter. They just don't. None of these factors have anything to do with the act of running. Running bypasses, if not destroys, superficial barriers that seem to cause so many problems in our world and that blind us to our common human experiences.

2) In running, weight and appearance do not matter. When I started running, I was embarrassed to run on city streets because I felt fat and thought people were laughing at me. Granted, it is possible that someone may have made fun of me - but certainly no other runner has ever taunted me. That is simply not the running way. True runners respect and encourage other runners - regardless of how they look or what their pace is - simply because they are challenging themselves. As for bystanders who make fun of a runner's appearance? ...Well, they're the ones just standing there, or sitting in their cars in morning traffic. Who are they to cast judgment?

If you're afraid to start running because you're worried about how you look, try to find a place where you feel at least a little safe from the eyes of others, like a quiet park. Better yet, migrate to where the experienced, dedicated runners work out, like a local track, because even if they're in better shape, there's at least a 99.9% chance that they're going to support you and respect you just for getting out there and putting one foot in front of the other.

3) In running, people understand that everybody poops! Run for a while and you will quickly discover that the usual societal taboos regarding bodily functions don't really apply in the running world. Pooping, passing gas, puking, intestinal distress, figuring out where to pee when there's no bathroom available - these are all topics that runners tend to discuss with enthusiasm. Most runners have their fair share of stories involving said topics, and most runners don't blink twice when their running buddies have issues with bodily functions during races or training runs. It goes with the territory. Run for a while and you are sure to encounter a situation where you regret last night's dinner or have to duck behind a tree.

Poop levels the playing field. Again, it's about shared human experiences.

4) In running, pace does not matter. Well, it does matter a little in that if you run with other people, you have to figure out a way to accommodate different speeds. Either you have to split up (which is fine - you're still running together in spirit), or someone has to run faster while someone else runs more slowly (also fine, as modifying your pace will offer an additional challenge to the workout). But generally speaking, runners recognize that it's about the personal challenge. For some, moving from a 10-minute-per-mile pace to a 9-minute pace is a huge accomplishment; for others, running 20 miles at a 9-minute pace is a relaxing run. The important thing is that people meet their own personal goals and, if they so choose, set their own personal records.

5) In running, there's not much room for faking it. Especially if you're pushing yourself. When you run, you're breathing harder, you're focusing on how your body feels and on how far (or how long) you've been running, and there's less room for worrying about what other people think of you. And that is a really good thing, especially when you run with other people. As I've mentioned before, I've had a tough time making and keeping friends because I'm very self-conscious. But with the people I run with, I have little choice but to be myself - even when that means I'm frustrated or tired or grouchy. They see me when I'm not at my best, and that vulnerability provides more fertile ground for these relationships to develop.

6) Running breaks down mental barriers and perceived limitations. This is one of my favorite things about running. When I started, I thought I couldn't run for 10 minutes without stopping. Then one day I did. I thought I couldn't run for 30 minutes without stopping. After a while, I could. I was sure I wouldn't be able to run a marathon. It was a struggle, but I crossed that finish line. Running gives me an opportunity to surpass my own expectations for myself, and that in turn gives me hope/confidence that maybe, just maybe, I can surpass my own expectations in other areas of my life. In this way, it's helped me see that I am capable of change and growth, even when I feel stuck.

Running as a way to mitigate depression and anxiety?

I've been away - not at the loony bin (though sometimes it's certainly a distinct possibility), but at a professional conference. Actually, wait. This professional conference IS like a loony bin, except that few of the people there actually recognize they have issues and the majority of them don't see psychiatrists. Same issues, less recognition. Always interesting.

Anyway, so first I was preparing for this conference (in the form of putting together a talk, which took a ridiculous amount of time and which put a spotlight on my poor graphic design/PowerPoint skills), and then I was at the conference, and then I was drinking and eating and giving my talk and reuiniting with people I hadn't seen in a while. And drinking more. 

Very little running was involved, unfortunately. I mean, I DID run, but they were relatively short workouts on the hotel treadmill. I should have run 18 miles on Sunday and it just didn't happen. Good thing I am in taper mode, since the marathon is in only 2.5 weeks away. I'm thinking of doing 18 miles this Sunday even though I suppose Hal Higdon would not approve. But would it really pose that much of a problem? I have two weeks after that to rest.

Speaking of running...

The last conference I went to was last June, and for whatever reason, it left me reeling and depressed. I don't know whether it was the stress of traveling, dealing with huge crowds of people, being away from my family, or what, but all of a sudden I went from feeling really stable (for the previous 4-5 months) to hitting bottom again. The situation was not good. At one point I wondered whether I might need to check myself into a hospital. The trigger seemed to be this academic conference experience. Thus, I was concerned that this very recent conference - which involved just as many people, almost as much traveling, and a strong dose of stress - might send me reeling down the same path.

Thankfully, it did not. I've been trying to figure out what the difference was between now and last June.

Things that are the same: I'm still taking an antidepressant, same dose. I'm still seeing my therapist every other week or so (actually less these days). Actually, if anything, the summer conference should have been less stressful: I wasn't teaching any classes at that point. I had to present at both meetings.

So what is different? The only major difference is that I'm now training for a marathon and attending butt-kicking barre classes on a regular basis. So could the extra exercise be at the root of this newfound stability (relatively speaking)? In a way, it seems counterintuitive. Marathon training itself takes a lot of dedication and a certain amount of sacrifice. It cuts into work time, family time, and rest time. Then add to that the barre workouts - if I do them 4 times a week, that's another 6 hours where I'm not really attending to my responsibilities. And yes, on a day-to-day basis, it does feel like a lot. I do feel the strain.

On the other hand, my immersion in these activities means that:

(1) I have more energy during the day and I sleep better at night.

(2) I have less time to worry/stress, because when I'm working out I'm very focused on the task at hand.

(3) I'm forced to make transitions more quickly. For instance, even if my mind WANTS to stay in work mode all evening, when I get to barre class, it simply can't. There's not enough energy for that.

(4) I have a better social life. I'm opening up more to RF, getting to know her friends, and starting to get to know the people at Xtend Barre.

Ultimately, I keep myself so occupied that I do not leave as much room for ruminating, worrying, planning, obsessing. I think that's a big part of it. Maybe I've been underestimating the positive long-term effects of exercise on my mental state. Maybe it's kind of like the antidepressants themselves: one pill here and there won't make much long-term difference; you have to take them every day if you want them to work, and they don't work right away. If you miss a day, it won't hurt you much so long as you get back on track the following day. Perhaps the influence of exercise on the brain is similar: the long-term consistency is key.

Tuesday Four (I couldn't think of a fifth)

1. I would like a vacation. Something involving skiing, a beach (not sure it's possible to have both, but that's what I'd like), a massage (or several), good but unpretentious food, sleeping in under a light down comforter, and no work. This will not happen unless a fairy godmother or Oprah ("YOU get a car and YOU get a car and YOU get a car...!") steps in.

2. I'm feeling low. Hopefully it's because a) I'm tired from the long run this past weekend, b) I have PMS, and/or c) I've been too busy for my own good, and not because depression is sneaking its way back in. I'm keeping my guard up, just in case. I suspect some of it has to do with the shorter days. I LOVE summer, when daylight lasts past 8 p.m. I feel suffocated when it gets dark at 5 or 6 p.m.

3. Did I mention that I would like a vacation?

Oprah? Can you hear me?

(Anyone else with me on this?)

4. Ever since I started doing Xtend Barre, I find myself releve-ing and plie-ing when no-one is looking. And pointing my toes.

Wind, rain, hills... 20 miles

20 miles, done.

It was not an easy run for either RF or myself. We started off on an exceedingly hilly road and followed it for the first 11 miles. At mile 4 or 5, we hit a hill that seemed to go on forever, and I really struggled. I kept moving forward, but very slowly, and my mind kind of shut down. I couldn't manage to put together coherent thoughts, except a Little-Engine-That-Could type mantra: Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. This first half of the run was more beautiful, but although I did take note of the gorgeous red, yellow, and orange leaves, I didn't enjoy it much. It was a slog. Plus, my knee started to ache somewhere in there; I worried that it might not hold up.

At mile 11, we stopped to have a snack that my husband had cached for us. Amazing: a little extra water, a little Gatorade, an energy bar, some stretching, and I was like new. In fact, from there on out I felt a whooooole lot better. Not to say the second half was easy. It wasn't. But I found a groove and stayed in it for most of the rest of the way. It helped that we a) walked up a couple of the bigger remaining hills (honestly, I think I walk up hills more quickly than I run them - I go into speedwalker mode) and b) took a bathroom break. Plus, I promised myself that at mile 16 or 17 I could consume my beloved Espresso Hammer Gel. For whatever reason, it tasted absolutely divine, even though anything else would have likely made me puke.

At mile 17.5 or so I started breaking up the run into mini-goals: run to that sign, now run to that electric pole, now run to the stoplight. Mentally, it worked wonders.

During the last mile the wind picked up to 20-25 mph, and we were running directly into it. We felt like we were standing still. That part was tough.

It was good, I think, to have such a tough run and get through it anyway. That way, even if parts of the marathon are rough, we'll know we're capable of pushing through.

*  *  *

Near home, RF joked that "we shall overcome," and suddenly I was swooped back in time to elementary school when we sang that song at nearly every assembly and holiday concert. I remembered all the words and hummed it all the way back. I'd forgotten how much I love that song. And in a way, it was appropriate for our morning. :-)

*  *  *

Got home, iced my knee, ate apple crumble, ate a burrito, ate some chips, drank a lot of fluids, ate some more. Showed my son how to use Q-Tips to spread glue onto paper; ended up with a giant mess on the kitchen table. Showed my son how to make pancakes and roasted potatoes for dinner; ended up with a giant mess on the counter. ;-) I'm surprised at how much energy I had this afternoon. If anything, I had MORE energy than I usually do on days when I do not run.

I love running.

I hope I feel that good on race day!

I have never run this far while feeling so okay and maintaining such a consistent pace (10:31). It was a really enjoyable 18 miler.

What helped:

• RF not letting me know how far we'd gone until mile 10 (better if I don't know)
• The cool, cloudy weather - SUCH an improvement over the 15 miler from a few weeks ago, when we were slogging through 85 degrees + high humidity + blazing sun. I just plain suck at running in high temps. 
• The leaves falling down like parade confetti
• Discovering at mile 16 that the Hammer Espresso gel is AWESOME... I'm not a huge fan of gels (too warm, too gooey, too mucus-like) but this was just the right combination of chocolate + espresso + sugar. Pleasant surprise.
• Running with RF, who always shows up with plenty of interesting stories to tell. She makes the time pass quickly, and I love our conversations.
• Stopping at a gas station halfway through to grab a Gatorade. Tasted divine.

At mile 14 or so, I found myself marveling at how absolutely fantastic I felt. I should have seen that as a warning sign: 2.5 miles later my legs were killing me and I was wondering whether I could make it another 1.5 miles. We actually sped up at the end: we just wanted to be done. Something tells me a lot of the tiredness at the end was mental.

If I feel that good on race day, I'll be thrilled.

Next Sunday we're supposed to do 12 miles (I think) and then 20 the week after. We're trying to decide whether we can get away with doing the 20 miler next week, since RF has a weekend-long commitment coming up in two weeks. 

Jetlagged

I got home almost a week ago, and my waking/sleeping schedule is still off. I keep waking up bright eyed and bushy tailed at 5 a.m. (not like me) and by 8:15 p.m., I'm falling asleep (not like me). One evening I fell asleep standing up.

This wouldn't really be a problem - because I've actually been quite productive during the day, and I have time in the morning to eat/drink/etc. prior to running - except that I haven't spent much time with my husband. Usually we put our son to bed, talk, have a glass of wine or a beer, and watch an episode or two of Breaking Bad. But I can't get through five minutes of that show right now. We're so far behind.

*  *  *  *
Tomorrow's the 18 miler. I won't lie: I'm a bit nervous. My main concern is my legs. They were cramping pretty badly by the end of the 15-mile run, and I'm not sure how to prevent that from happening again other than conscientiously drink fluids along the way.

I feel like my RF has higher expectations of us than I do. Personally, I really don't care how we get through these long runs as long as we get through them. Walking is fine. Stopping for refreshments is fine. But she seems pretty determined to run run run the whole way. Part of me is a little concerned that I'm going to disappoint her, but I also feel like we need to treat the marathon a little differently from, say, a 10K. The expectation this time around should be to finish, period.

I've made loads of improvement in my speed since starting to run with RF, so I can't complain. She's great. But she is also a faster and more natural runner than I am. She is long, lean, and gazelle-like. I am short, stockier, and built more like... well, like not a gazelle. Sometimes I worry that she will get frustrated by my inability to keep up.
*  *  *  *
At any rate. 18 miles tomorrow, and it WILL get done! And we WILL have a relatively good time.

BIG DAY, Part 2: 15 miles DONE!

To quote Dora the Explorer, We did it! We did it! Yaaaaay!

This run could be broken into three chapters: Chapter 1 (miles 1-5): Misery. Chapter II (miles 6-12): Feeling Fine! Chapter III: Calf Muscles are Screaming, But I Can Ignore Them For Now (miles 13-15).

Chapter I: Misery

Yesterday afternoon was hot. I think it was actually somewhere around 80-85 degrees, but the sun was blazing, so it felt more like 95. I don't run well in the heat - unfortunate, since this is the south and temps can be consistently, uncomfortably high for up to 1/3 of the year.

Within the first block, I could tell that I was not going to have an easy time of it. Running Friend was chatting, not out of breath at all. I was entirely focused on just putting one foot in front of the other, and my mood declined with each passing mile. RF wanted to talk, share stories - but she soon realized that it was going to be a pretty one-sided conversation. I wasn't having any of it. I think I may have growled at her a couple of times, and then she backed off and we ran in silence.

Sometimes that's the best I can do. Sometimes I need to go totally into myself and block out everything and everyone around me. I know I can run the distance - but sometimes I have to go to a place of quiet, angry determination to make it happen. This is how I am in running and in life. I overcome challenges, I push through, but it's never very pretty.

The worst part of this phase was when we were running on the shoulder of a very busy road and another running buddy, who'd agreed to join us for 4-5 miles, suddenly ran up behind me with a chipper hello. Scared the crap out of me, and I just about decked him. I have quite the startle response.

Chapter II: Feeling Fine!

Once some clouds rolled in and we veered off onto more shaded roads, I started to feel better. I had some water and a Hammer Nutrition gel, and within two minutes my energy level ramped up. Suddenly I was talkative and light on my feet.

The roads were still busy, but not AS busy, and that also helped me feel calmer. By mile 10 I could feel my calf muscles starting to get grouchy, and I had a cramp around my ribcage. But those things seemed way more tolerable than the heat, which by then had dissipated significantly.

At around mile 12 we stopped at a grocery store for a quick water break. I felt tired, but by then I knew the last three miles were going to be okay.

Chapter III: Calf Muscles are Screaming, But I Can Ignore Them For Now

I was worried about my knee going into this run, but it was a non-issue. My calf muscles, on the other hand, were totally seized up by the end of the run. Thinking back, I recalled that this had been a problem when my husband and I had trained for our first marathon 10 years ago. My lungs had been fine, my energy levels had been manageable, but sore legs had been a real drag.

Nevertheless, I kept putting one foot in front of the other, and soon we we'd reached our goal.

RF let me hang out at her place for an hour or so to ice my knees, guzzle another bottle of water, and take an Advil. That post-race care seems to have worked, because when I woke up this morning, my legs felt fine. A little sore, but way less than I'd expected.

Oddly, the thing that's bothering me more are my shoulders. My right one is particularly sore. Maybe my posture was poor by the end of the run.

Now I'm drinking coffee and a peach/banana/blueberry/kale smoothie and trying to make myself get started on a work project.

Any tips on dealing with leg cramps during long runs?

BIG DAY, part 1: Prepping for 15 miles

Today's the day Running Friend (RF) and I run 15 miles in prep for the Space Coast Marathon. I'm excited, but also pretty nervous. I have a tendency to be quite slow and creaky for the first two or three or four miles. If I don't start out well, my positive mentality fades and then I have to fight the entire way. Maybe this will be one of those rare runs where I feel like I am treading on air... Here's hoping!

Also, if I'm being totally honest with myself, my knee is a bit wonky. But I can't tell if that's from running too much or sitting too much. Oftentimes, the latter makes my leg really achy. I'm going to ice it for a bit this morning, in case it's a little inflamed.

While we're running, another friend will be watching my son. I hope he does okay today... After his nap yesterday afternoon, he was a whole lot less cranky, way more cuddly, AND he slept like a rock last night. So I'm hopeful that Saturday's stressful drama was just a blip.

Running on the Space Coast

Yesterday my running friend (and good friend outside of running) and I signed up for our first marathon together: the Space Coast marathon in Cocoa, FL. It's near the Kennedy Space Center and the event has, not surprisingly, a space theme. People dress up as astronauts and aliens, and there are photo ops with space shuttles, rockets, and the like. We said we wanted a fun run; this fit the bill. She's excited, I'm excited, we're excited.

The SCM is in 11 weeks. Yeah, we made our decision a little late, which explains why we will be going 15 miles for our first long run this weekend. We've already had several people inform us that we are crazy/overly optimistic/out of touch with reality. But whatever. It's 15 miles. It's doable, and not just for sponsored superhero athletes. For regular people like me, too. We choose to look at it as taking half a day to do an enjoyable training run in the great outdoors in a city we both love.

Here's our training schedule. We'll likely need to make some schedule-based modifications to the shorter runs, but we are determined to stick to the long runs, the longest mid-week run, and the Saturday run:

Today was 7 miles, and we KILLED that run. Killed it. She was keeping track of the distance; I wasn't. I was truly surprised when we hit our goal because although it was challenging (as most runs are for me), it was also a lot of fun, and the time passed quickly.

Did I mention that I'm really, really excited?

Aside from the opportunity to challenge ourselves and spend time in a beautiful part of the country, one other very important aspect of this - for me, anyway - is that I'll be running this with a friend. A FRIEND. MY FRIEND. Two years ago I didn't have any friends. Yes, I had kinda-sorta acquaintances, but that was about it. Running has been the best thing for providing an atmosphere, an environment, where I can be myself - where I don't have much choice BUT to be myself, because I'm usually too tired to think about self censorship. When I run with people, I feel so much like myself that I don't even think about myself. Does that make sense?

Plus, I love poop jokes, other runners usually love poop jokes... It's the perfect arena in which to find like-minded individuals.

Tomorrow: 4 miler!

Common courtesy, or lack thereof

An open letter to companies and institutions who solicit applications (for employment, fellowships, scholarships, etc.) yet never bother to respond to them:

To whom it may concern:

I noticed that you failed to offer any sort of response to the application that I submitted two months ago, though when I contacted you, you curtly assured me you'd received it. I would like to point out the following:

• Responding to email is actually not that hard. You click "reply" and type a few words. Might I suggest: "Thank you for your interest in this scholarship/job/unpaid-internship-slash-free-labor. We have decided to go in a different direction, but we appreciate the time you put into your application. We wish you all the best."

• Do you know how long it just took me to type those three sentences? Forty-seven seconds.

• I understand that you likely received numerous applications. There are several high-tech ways to approach this challenge. One is to learn a function widely known as "copy and paste." This function allows you to place the same sentence (see above) into multiple emails without having to type it again and again. Now all you have to do is modify the "Dear So-and-So" and the email address, and voila! 

• Perhaps that sounds too hard, or maybe you are too important to send individual replies to each application. No matter. There's a solution for that, too. Simply place the email addresses of all recipients in the little box labeled "bcc" (if you don't know what that means, try the Google). Avoid personal greetings altogether. Go for the blatantly canned rejection. Then type your response (see suggestion above) and press the little button that says "send." At this point, everyone who was included in the reply will receive the message, but they won't see the names of anyone else who received it. I know, it's like magic! It WILL take three minutes of your precious time, though. If that's too much for you, try...

• ...having your administrative assistant do the dirty work for you. If you are really that important, so important that you can't be bothered to contact your applicants, you will work with someone who actually knows what he/she is doing.

• If you're responsible for deciding who gets the scholarship/job/internship and you aren't aware of the techniques described in the previous three bullet points, then might I suggest you pass on your job to someone with some life skills.

• Keep in mind that people put a lot of time into their applications, especially now when the chances of actually getting the carrot are so slim. That's time these people could be spending with their families, with their children, researching other opportunities, etc. These individuals will understand that they might not receive an offer. Nevertheless, they do deserve some sort of response. You know... because they're human. They deserve respect, too.

• Karma's a bitch. Just FYI.

Best,

Stationary Runner

Exhaustion, and week in review

I am just plain tuckered out! I decided to run last night, do a fitness class this morning, and then run again right after the class. Now I want to sleep the afternoon away (which... with a five-year-old? Is a total pipe dream) and eat.

*   *   *
Things about last week that stand out:

• My son's first day of Kindergarten! I'm so proud of him and hope that this year will be a wonderful experience.
• Going to, and making a sincere effort to keep up with, a new barre class (even though I am, physically speaking, the anti-ballerina)
• Getting my fall schedule figured out
• Beautiful weather with some much-needed rain mixed in
• Keeping up with my goal to drink ~64 ounces of water every day
• Cooking something new (chickpea patties - yum)
• Mood: Pretty upbeat overall

Things I'm looking forward to:

• Date night with my husband
• My two closest friends from school finally returning from their looooong summer field seasons in exotic areas of the world (Iceland and New Zealand) 
• Another relatively relaxing, work-free day tomorrow

Things I'm grateful for:

• My sweet, smart, energetic, creative, affectionate little boy 
• My laid-back husband, who doesn't always understand me but unconditionally accepts me
• The best, most supportive, most energetic dissertation advisor ever - we butt heads sometimes, but I can't imagine a better mentor
• Time for relaxation
• Amazing opportunities - school, travel, free public education for my child, good health, employment
• The capacity, freedom, and opportunity to make changes, and people who are willing to help me as I strive to do so

I like this: "Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world." - John Milton

What about you? What are you grateful for?

Habits

Lately I've been thinking a lot about habits - good ones, not-so-good ones, ones I have that work for me, ones I'd like to have, ones I'd like to get rid of. "Habits" has been a topic of conversation at home, in therapy, and on some of the blogs I read. One is the blog No Meat Athlete, where Matt has talked about some of the habits he's recently picked up and the potential power inherent in adopting new, beneficial habits - things like making your bed every day, doing a baseline amount of exercise daily, etc.

I can think of a few habits that at this point seem pretty ingrained in my daily routine and that I don't want to drop, ever, because they have made a big difference:

• Flossing my teeth. It sounds silly, but one time - in my pre-flossing days - I paid $7000 in dental bills and wiped out our entire savings account. My teeth seem prone to developing cavities no matter what I do, but a few minutes of flossing every night has definitely helped counteract that. My teeth were relatively problem-free at my last two cleanings.

• Bringing my lunch from home. I used to go out for lunch a lot more often, back in the days when I still ate things like sandwiches on wheat bread, pizza, and other inexpensive, gluten-y favorites. Getting rid of gluten from my diet drastically limited my restaurant options at that time and forced me to get cooking. And although it's gotten easier over the past few years to find GF items on most menus, those offerings often seem pretty halfhearted and thoughtless. I've gotten in the habit of eating leftovers for lunch the next day, plus an apple, an energy bar, some nuts and dried fruit, etc. Knowing what is in my food gives me peace of mind... and honestly, I think it tastes pretty decent, too. 

• Running at least five times a week. This doesn't even feel like a habit anymore. It feels more like a compulsion. When I don't run, I get antsy and worry about declining fitness. I do force myself to take rest weeks every now and then, but that's usually when I'm really busy/distracted and can't worry as much about exercising anyway.

Two habits I am currently trying to cultivate:

• Drinking 64 ounces of water every day. I've never been a big water drinker, even when I exercise. I think I get a lot of the fluids I need through the food I eat (fruits, veggies, etc.) However, my doctor recently pointed out that because colon cancer runs in my family, I need to do my best to... keep everything moving along. And drinking water is a very good way to do that.

• Avoiding one-use items. I try to take my Nalgene and my insulated coffee mug to school every day. Sometimes I forget, and then I end up buying coffee in a styrofoam cup from the cafe in my building. Coffee with a side of guilt just isn't that good. Same with grocery shopping: I feel bad when I forget my cloth bags and end up with a trunk full of plastic bags. (For a really great guilt trip about one-use items, see the documentary Trashed. You will look at plastic bags and bottles in a whole new way.)

Habits that I would like to have but don't, and probably won't anytime in the near future:

• Making my bed in the morning. If I can eat breakfast, get showered and dressed, put together my lunch, get my stuff together, and be in the car by 8 a.m., I feel highly accomplished. Adding bed-making to the list would be like purposely seeking out failure.

• Cleaning stuff on a regular basis, a la Flylady. I mean, we clean, but not on any regular schedule. I do my best cleaning when I am anxious and/or procrastinating or when I find myself tripping over Legos/cars/random crap that comes in birthday party goodie bags. Or when I can't see out the window because there are too many handprints on the glass.

• Meditating. I think this will happen at some point, but right now I seem to have a massive mental block when it comes to meditation. Yes, I believe that it can work wonders, but sitting still for five minutes makes me feel like punching a wall. And isn't that kind of NOT the point? I use running, walks outside, and cooking as time for meditation-like brain activity.

A habit I would like to get rid of: Negative thinking. Of course everyone thinks in a negative way sometimes, and perhaps it's occasionally necessary. But I am a glass-half-empty kind of person in pretty much every situation, even situations that are supposed to be fun, happy, lighthearted, etc. Doesn't do much for anxiety or depression. I'm working on replacing negative/useless thoughts with more positive/useful/pragmatic ones. This is such an ingrained habit, though, that I really have to be on top of it, especially on days that are tiring or stressful.

Toying with the possibility of a 50K?

Several months ago one of my favorite running buddies told me that she was interested in ultrarunning. My husband is an ultrarunner, so I told her she should talk to him about it, and she spent hours looking at the various websites and blogs he recommended re: long distance training and races. She got hooked. I encouraged her to go for it but thought to myself, "No way in hell am I running anything longer than a half marathon." (I actually did run a full marathon once, but it was a really long time ago and I didn't train properly. Painful.)

But a seed was planted. Then it was cultivated by several simple changes in my running life and personal life, and by my natural penchant for challenging/torturing myself:

• I started running with a group. Almost everyone in the group is naturally faster than I am. Although I am still a lackadaisical runner when left to my own devices, and although I often feel like I am on the verge of puking during our group workouts, I can tell that my pace has improved significantly over just a few months. 

• Running with other people has stripped away a lot of my natural social inhibitions and anxiety (with said people). In other social and professional situations, I find myself trying to be whoever I "need" to be to fit in. That's a long-held habit that I am working to break; it's not conducive to developing solid friendships because people never really get to know me (in fact, I barely know who *I* am in those instances). But when I run, I'm myself. I'm so focused on keeping up and simply getting through the workout that I don't have time to think about how I'm coming across. And sometimes, not thinking is a great thing. I've started to form solid, sincere, and supportive relationships with my running partners. (I'm not saying everything is always hunky dory. I struggle with friendships. But these glimmers of being able to "be real" with people have been encouraging.)

• I started running outside on a more regular basis. Running on a treadmill is fine for me: I don't usually mind the monotony, and it gives me a chance to listen to music and kind of zone out. But running outside is physically way more challenging. It's also less predictable and therefore way more interesting.

Making these changes leads me to wonder what else I am capable of doing when it comes to my running. And now I, too, find myself thinking about longer distances. I'm toying with the idea of training for a 50K with my afore-mentioned running friend. True, she's speedier than I am, but we share the same drive to challenge ourselves, and we work well as a team. It would be a way for me to push myself as a runner and as a way to strengthen bonds with someone I think I'd really like to know better. 

I think a 50K is doable, especially if I aimed for a race in spring 2013. I could train over the fall when the weather is cooler and have something to look forward to other than school-related stuff. And if we tacked on a couple of extra days, it might be a good mini-getaway. If I used my frequent flier miles, I could do it on the cheap.

Question: Does anyone have a suggestion for a good spring "starter" 50K in the U.S., preferably one that is at least partially on trails?

Aim for results, not accolades

The past two months have been relentless and exhausting, so much so that I could feel myself stumbling through life in a total daze, losing perspective, becoming ungrounded. First there was the conference in early December, then there was fieldwork, then there was the Christmas trip to see family, then there was a bout of bronchitis that hung on for weeks, and then there were my Ph.D. comprehensive exams.

Throughout the last six weeks the exams have been at the forefront of my mind, and I've been studying for at least a good five or six hours a day, if not more. Oftentimes my family would go to bed and I'd be up reading and taking notes. I'd get up in the morning, eat breakfast, and break out the books again. I took one day off - Christmas - but otherwise, I was loathe to give it a rest. In the short history of my department's Ph.D. program, no-one has failed their comps and only a couple of people have received conditional passes. I did not want to be the first person to totally bomb, especially because there were two other women in my program taking their comps at the same time, and we're all in the same subfield. That would be humiliating - to fail as they passed. All three of us worried about it. All three of us were freaked out about struggling through while the other two skated by. And all three of us were horrified at the thought of being compared to one another (we still are).

The exams started on Thursday of this past week. I knew they'd be tiring, but I felt ready. I guess I wasn't prepared for just how draining they would be. The question sets I received were doable, but they were also really long and challenging. I spent nine hours on the questions on Thursday, another three hours on a second batch of questions yesterday, and then had my oral exam yesterday afternoon. I did my best, but it's hard to maintain a high level of quality when you've been sitting there, thinking and writing, for an entire day. I know some of my responses were weaker than they could have been simply because clarity and concision fizzled away by the day's end.

I passed. My friends passed, too. I have mixed feelings about the entire experience. On one hand, I feel great that this is over (save for a critical paper review next week, but for some reason that seems less intimidating than the exam) and pleased that I got through it. I'm proud of the three of us as a group - three women in science, marching this long road together. The comprehensive exam is a big hurdle in the Ph.D. process - and we surmounted it.

On the other hand, I find myself ruminating on the things I missed or didn't explain well enough. They had told us that during the oral part, they'd focus on test answers that were fuzzy or incorrect and help us work through them. Of course all three of us had some fuzzy answers, but for some reason I felt really bad about mine. Why is it that I think I should be able to get all of the right answers, all the time? Why, after three decades, do I STILL believe that I need to be perfect? Why do I still want to be the best, the smartest? It's ridiculous, and I see that... The oral part actually went really well in many ways. They'd wanted me to get to a certain (and pretty obscure) conclusion on one of the written questions, but I hadn't, and so we addressed it step by step. Even though I showed them that I knew all of the concepts and equations needed to get there (even managing to remember some pretty complicated diagrams and drawing them on the board), and even though it led to a productive discussion about possible future research, and even though they seemed to enjoy the conversation and think I did well, all I could see was where I had failed.

There was even a part of me thinking, "They shouldn't have had to ask you ANY questions. They should have looked at you and said, 'We have nothing to say because you got it all right!'" Which is beyond ridiculous. It is a Ph.D. comprehensive exam. The point is to put you on the spot and test you and challenge you. And the question that I only "did okay" on was a tough one: the answer was elegantly simple but in all honesty I would have never, ever gotten there on my own - even if I'd studied for two more months - because I would have never been able to see the problem from the perspective my advisors wanted me to see it from. I needed their help to get there. I am trying to be okay with that - with not being able to get everywhere without help.

My only resolution for 2012 is the title of this post: Aim for results, not accolades. Or in the words of actress Helen Hayes, "My mother drew a distinction between achievement and success. She said that 'Achievement is the knowledge that you have studied and worked hard and done the best that is in you. Success is being praised by others, and that's nice, too, but not as important or satisfying. Always aim for achievement and forget about success.'"

I have spent so much time in my life worrying about what others think, trying to figure out how to gain their approval and be their "favorite." Looking back, that tactic hasn't gotten me anywhere. If anything it's held me back. How many times have I quit jobs or other endeavors because I wasn't the best, because I didn't win, because someone else did better?

Now I've found a field that I love. I get up in the morning excited to do the research I do. I could talk about it all day (fortunately for those around me, I hold back). Perfectionism will not be allowed to mess this up for me. I'm trying to forget about winning people's approval and focus on meeting the daily, weekly, and semester-long goals that I set for myself. I have high expectations and standards: if I meet my own goals, eventually I will get to where I want to go. Ultimately, that's what will allow me to achieve - not praise from other people.

At any rate, at this point I am relieved, tired, and - annoyingly - sick again. Antibiotics killed the bronchitis but they couldn't prevent this new cold virus that I seem to have picked up overnight. So now I'm going to spend the day resting, playing, and eating, and NOT looking at books, thank God.

Running fever

I found out that I won first place in my age division last Saturday. Looking at the times of the other women in my group, it's clear that this was not a super-competitive race (that sounds kind of jerky, but really, no offense intended - some races draw speedier runners than others)... but I'm still excited.

When my then-boyfriend (now-husband) and I started running together 13 years ago, I enjoyed it because 1) it was something we could do together and 2) it convinced me that I had far more athletic potential than I had previously given myself credit for. Our first run together lasted 12 minutes, and at the end I thought I might pass out. Our next run was a few seconds longer. Every day, we aimed to increase our time, even if it was only a little. Once we hit the 30-minute mark, we trained for a 5K. Then we realized that going five miles wasn't that much more difficult than going three... and going ten was tough but not impossible... and 10 seemed easier once we'd worked our way up to 13... We ended up running a marathon together a year and a half later, a week before I graduated college. It was a huge achievement for me. It was almost more important than the graduation itself.

Since those early years, I've run off and on. Sometimes I've been relatively serious about it; other times, I've been totally lackadaisical. But I've kept doing it. It's sort of like riding a bike: once you know you can do it, you can always do it (even if it takes a few weeks to get back in shape after a hiatus).

In the last few weeks, though, I think I've been falling in love with running all over again. It feels more like it did in the beginning: challenging, rewarding, difficult, consuming. When my alarm rings early in the morning, I don't hit snooze. I get up, get dressed, and turn on the treadmill. I know it won't always be this way, but right now I am having fun with it - mainly having fun pushing myself. I want to see what I can do, physically and mentally. How hard can I push myself? How much time can I slice off of my race pace? What's my limit?

That's really what I want to know: what my limit is. I have a feeling I haven't come close to reaching it. I think that's the case for most people. We underestimate ourselves. We think, I haven't done it, therefore I can't do it. These days, you hear about people (my husband being one of them) doing 40 milers, 50 milers, 100 milers. You hear about runners who do marathons every other week for the fun of it. You hear about people who sign up for lengthy trail runs at the last minute and complete them without putting in months of training, and they're fine. They push through. And yeah, some of these people are natural and/or elite athletes, but a lot of them aren't. They're regular people who have confidence in their ability to go the distance and prepare for it as best they can. Then they get out there and finish what they start. Or they don't finish, so they go back out later and try again.

At the moment, I don't have time to train for longer races. That won't always be the case, though. At some point I'd love to try another marathon - maybe something longer. And I'd love to pick a beautiful race and run there (like this one). For now, though, I'm signing up for another 5K in a couple of weeks. It's a Halloween run, and it looks like it'll be a good time.