Crisis averted.

I may have overreacted a teensy weensy bit yesterday. Today I went to school and talked everything out with my advisor (calmly and professionally, in contrast to my "I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS" email from yesterday), and he helped me come up with a solution that, while not ideal in that I'm still going to have a heavier workload and busier schedule than I'd planned for, will be tolerable. I hope. I feel a little silly for getting so upset, but then again, I subscribe to the belief that my level of angst is inversely proportional to the true severity of the thing causing the angst. In other words, if I freak out a lot about the perceived problem, it'll end up being okay, but if I don't freak out enough, I'm screwed. My therapist would probably advise against this line of "reasoning."

At any rate, crisis sort of averted.

Today the weather is the nicest it's been in several weeks. Evening temperatures are in the mid-70s instead of the high-90s/low-100s, the sky is blue, the air feels clean thanks to yesterday's rain, and there's a soft breeze. I'm sitting outside and relaxing with this while dinner's cooking:

(Yes. This is a plastic wine glass. It's for camping. Granted, I rarely camp, but whatever.)

For dinner I'm making shake-and-bake veggies: carrots, zucchini, mushrooms, eggplant, beets, and brussels sprouts, placed in a big plastic container with olive oil and Trader Joe's lemon pepper seasoning, and shaken up until every piece is coated:

(I love Trader Joe's more than any other store, I think.)

Weekend plans:

• Running - hopefully outside
• Making these cookies with my son - we love them!
• Cleaning my house and finally unpacking all my bags

And that's about it so far. Not very exciting, but I'm lazy, so it's fine with me.

What are your weekend plans?

The best-laid plans...

Treadmill workout - 1 hour of intervals at 2% incline:

• 5 minutes of walking
• 6 x walking/running intervals: 2 minutes walking, 2 minutes running at ~10K pace; increase speed by .1 each time (total of 24 minutes)
• 6 x walking/running intervals: 2 minutes walking, 3 minutes running at ~10K pace; increase speed by .1 each time (total of 30 minutes)
• ~2 minutes walking to cool down

I like intervals on the treadmill because they break up the monotony a bit. Today's workout was challenging - I felt tired and blah, but I was glad I did it anyway.

On a different note, I'm feeling frustrated tonight - at myself and at others. I try to establish limits in terms of letting people know what I can and can't do. I try to set myself up for success in terms of scheduling so that I won't get stressed out. In the past, I haven't been too good about that. I overwork and overbook myself, and the outcome is never good. At least three times this year so far, overdoing it has brought me to a miserable and scary place.

I'm working hard to get better at handling stress, but it is a long road to improvement. Stress is my kryptonite.

I made a huge effort to limit my obligations this fall so that I could focus on just two or three key tasks and keep stress at bay. Today I found out that, through absolutely no choice of my own and due to poor planning on the part of others, I'm getting a lot more on my plate. It's very last minute. Had I known this was going to happen, I would have arranged the fall semester in a much different way. I expressed my concern about it and was basically told that I'm just going to have to deal with it.

I'm worried and kind of scared about what this will mean re: stress. I'm mad because the person who's responsible for overturning my plans knows about all of the mental health stuff but doesn't seem to believe me. He sees me show up every day, get my work done, and do it well, and he assumes that surely everything is fine. He has absolutely no idea. Sometimes I am at my most productive when I am at my lowest: it's like I split into 2+ people, and each person does their own task, and well. It's one of the things I tend to do when my brain goes into red alert mode. It works, but it's exhausting, and it means I'm not in a good place.

I don't want to make excuses. I don't want to shirk my responsibilities. But I want to have some room to set what I feel are necessary limits/boundaries without someone coming in and totally destroying them.

Eggplant and potato pizza-ish

Four things about my life today:

• First thing: My son starts Kindergarten in a couple of weeks. I'm feeling all "OMG, my baby is growing up so fast!" My husband - the stay-at-home parent - is feeling all "OMG, I will have free time again!!!" Tomorrow begins the easing-in process for the school year. He'll have a screening session to establish a baseline of his current knowledge/skills, and the following week he'll go to school for a half day with his new teacher and classmates. After that, it's 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. The other day he asked me, "How many years will I have to go to school?" And I said, "Well, at least 13, but probably 17. Maybe more, if you want to." He stared at me and told me I must be kidding. I decided to leave it at that. We're going shopping for school supplies after his screening tomorrow. He doesn't care, but I am so excited. Lists like this make me feel gleeful:

• Second: I had a great therapy session yesterday. I was able to articulate my thoughts and be honest (doesn't always happen), and I left feeling comforted and cared for. Those are the sessions that make the more frustrating/confusing ones worthwhile.

• Third: This morning I did 35 minutes of running/walking. 10 minutes of walking, then ~25 minutes of alternating between fast walking and 9-10 minute pace. As far as interval training goes, it was pretty easy, but even easy, short interval workouts seem to help me maintain my level of fitness when I don't feel like putting in longer runs (especially in this insane summer heat).

• Fourth thing: I made gluten-free, vegan pizza tonight. Actually, it's not really pizza. Not technically speaking, anyway. It's more of a pizza-ish concoction consisting of GF bread topped with veggies - in this case, caramelized onions (yes, they make another appearance!), eggplant, mushrooms, potatoes, and tomatoes. I cooked the eggplant, potatoes, and mushrooms with the onions for a while before topping the pizza-ish.

This is my favorite GF vegan pizza crust mix:

The recipe calls for two eggs, but I sub in ground flaxseed. 1 egg = 1 tbsp ground flaxseed + 3 tbsp water. It works really nicely and gives the crust a subtly nutty flavor. I also added freshly-ground pepper and some dried dill.

The finished product:

I realize it doesn't look all that exciting, but it was quite tasty.

Home again, home again

I am so very, very, very happy to be home again. I love my home so much. It's small, it's not fancy in any way, it's never really clean, but I adore it.

The trip ended on a good note: last night my husband and I went on a date to a delicious Mexican restaurant, and this morning we went running together along a cool, shaded path before we flew home. Time with my in-laws went as well as it possibly could have. I'm glad we went and grateful that I managed to hold it together.

I can't wait to sleep in my own bed. I can't wait to NOT see the inside of the airport for the next five weeks. I value any opportunities to travel, but after four trips in as many months, I'm ready for a break. I'm ready to establish a dull routine.

When we got home tonight I made a meal out of a can of garbanzo beans, a bag of pre-cooked rice, and whatever vegetables hadn't gone bad in the refrigerator while we were away:

Chickpeas and zucchini mixed with olive oil, turmeric, cumin, and coriander, roasted for 30 minutes at 400 degrees in the toaster oven

 Caramelized onion (photo shows mid-caramelization process)

Rice - I am a big fan of this brand when I want to take the easy way out

+ tomatoes and spinach =

easy, healthy dinner + leftovers for tomorrow's lunch:

Yum. I especially love the caramelized onion/roasted chickpea combination.

And now to collapse in a heap, on my own bed.

Mini-Vacation (Days 3 and 4): Feeling Off

My emotions are so roller coaster-like, even now that I am on an antidepressant and my moods don't fluctuate as wildly as they used to.

Yesterday and today, I struggled. I felt (feel) irritable, distant, spacey, annoyed at silly things, frustrated, unable to snap out of it... I want to be able to enjoy this getaway, but it's hard to do that when I'm overwhelmed.

I'm pretty sure that what has triggered these feelings is the book I've been reading. I thought maybe it could just be a fun, silly, frivolous, tantalizing thing to read. I should know better. Those topics and the explicit nature in which they are described are too close to home. Way too close. I knew I should put it down and walk away, and I didn't.

It's a lot like the times when I have self-harmed (something that's a bit hard to admit, and something I am working to avoid, but there it is). When I do it, it seems necessary. I think about it compulsively until I do it, and at that point it either feels good or I'm so blank that I feel nothing. At first it doesn't seem like a big deal. It's later - usually days later - that I start feeling like crap. At that point it's like a suffocating weight settles over my mind, and I have to ride it out until one day I wake up and it's no longer there.

So anyway. Reading this book was not a good idea. I'm trying to distract myself, and I'm hoping this panicked, strangling sensation will dissipate soon.

Mini-Vacation, Days 1 and 2

• Went running with my husband on a well-shaded bike path while my in-laws watched our son. 4.5 miles both days. Difficult. Muggy. Awesome.

• Lemon italian ice outside at dusk. Delicious.

• Beach this morning. My son and I made sandcastles while my husband and in-laws swam. It was really hot, but I'm glad we went because my son was so thrilled to see the ocean. One of my favorite things about being a parent is watching him become totally engrossed in something he's doing, in this case making sand towers and then clapping and squealing as they were knocked down by waves.

• Rum-laced tropical smoothies and delicious salad for dinner.

• 1/4 of the way into a poorly-written book that I can't put down. Best read while sitting in front of an air conditioner or fan because... whew... My husband asked how this is different from the cheap romance novels they sell at the grocery store and why this book is so popular. I don't know, because I've never read those romance novels, but I will say that I think people are generally fascinated when "fringe activities" are brought into the mainstream. And hey, as it turns out, it looks like a lot of people are sort of into those fringe activities... or at least they want to be...

Petals on wet, blotchy concrete

Ever since freshman poetry, one of my favorite poems is "In a Station at the Metro" by Ezra Pound:

The apparition of these faces in the crowd;
Petals on a wet, black bough

Now whenever I see pink petals, I automatically think of that second line.

It rained this evening, unexpectedly, and the rain brought down a hail of blooms from the tree next door. For a couple of minutes, it looked like it was snowing. Pink snow.

*  *  *
I feel better today, which should come as no surprise because I always eventually feel better. But whenever I'm feeling depressed - even if it's for a very short time - there's part of me that is utterly convinced that I will always be stuck in that heavy, dark place. It's like an emotional nausea. I think I'm finally getting to the point where I can tell myself that it's going to get better soon, even if I don't entirely believe it.

Tomorrow my little family is going on a mini-vacation. Nothing fancy, but I'm really looking forward to it. I got my work done today and mentally checked out the second I left the building.